Starting to feel more present that there are other ways I need to channel energy in my life. Feeling like a machine with all my commitments, work, gym, martial arts… and there’s something missing that I need to fill my soul. Continuing to be present with the energy building to bring more clarity.

Feeling the energy. Noticing emotions riding high. Practicing smiling king. Staying committed

I’m taking time today to go back into all my old notebooks/journals as I’m feeling called to reignite and reinvision my path forward. I found this quote on the first page of my oldest journal and felt called to share: “If a man gives way to all his desires, or panders to them, there will be no inner struggle in him, no friction, no fire. But, if for the sake of attaining a definite aim, he struggles with the desires that hinder him, he will then create a fire which will gradually transform his inner world into a single whole.”

Feeling powerful and grateful today.

Had a strong wave of irritability come up yesterday evening. This sometimes happens for me around this point in the cycle of retention. I see these sparks of irritability - being easily triggered - as potent opportunities for growth and repatterining. This is one of the many ways sexual energy can fuel our transformation. I'll share a bit about the process I went through last night: I went into a significant contraction from my partner after a little thing that was essentially just a reflection of my own fears, insecurities, and self-sabotage. This contraction led me back down the stairwell to the old relational pattern of anxious attachment I learned as a child, and as an adult now continue to peel back the layers on. Essentially, old trauma resurfacing to be met, felt, and healed by moving through it in a new way. This is how I see it now that I have the awareness and tools to do so on my own. And I did move through it in the healthier new way I have learned. I didn't go back into the old pattern of digging in, verbally spewing all over my partner, saying unnecessary hurtful shit, and generally making a mess. I kept it clean, handled my shit (not perfectly, but well enough), and I have given myself enough time and space to appropriately process what was going on inside me. Now I am ready to have a clean and healthy conversation with my partner, which we will do tonight. Wishing you all the resilience and awareness to meet, feel, and heal whatever wounded parts of yourself that may surface in the coming days. Healing is a process, not a destination. The "healing" happens when we bring consciousness to an old pattern that is no longer serving us, we "hold space" for ourselves by calming our own nervous system down, and then we CHOOSE A NEW RESPONSE. That's it. Simple. Plain. Boring. That's trauma healing. It's not a miraculous, aha!, one-and-done, now I'm healed kind of thing. We are tested again, and again, and again. And eventually, the new, healthy pattern we are choosing slowly starts to become our default. And then just when you think you're done healing that part, life will test you again! Just to make sure you really got it. ;)