FWIW, I will miss the next meeting as I am in Panama.

I'm not sure the lunar reveal makes any sense b/c there's no way an audience wouldn't figure out they weren't on earth, b/c of.... 1/16 gravity? jet-black lenses of a pair of WELDING GOGGLES. jet-black lenses is redundant. Not sure why you're capitalizing so many NOUNS SLOW ZOOM OUT TO EXTREME WIDE to reveal: => director's job She removes her goggles and starts to pack up => nobody starts to do anything in a script. She stands on the top of => stands is a sub-optimal verb, but that whole sentence could go away. That whole 5 paragraph/14 lines could be compressed down to 3 lines if you tried. (flat) Fine Chip. => drop (direction) parentheticals

A hot take: Drop scene 1, have the 2 men unshackled in scene 2, saving 5 lines. Bishop's office doesn't state Evening/continuous, etc convoluted description. Is he holding the quill? He's signing it standing up? Might be smoother if sitting. Gideon and Dross leave. = > new scene How could you agree to such terms? => wouldn't they both have to agree? Nuh-uh. => drop 1 word opening sentences. An actor can furnish those Nuh-uh. If I'm starting over... smacks of expo. Gideon would know this already. Shorten to We have no reason to stay in this god forsaken town. or drop. There's no need for the framing device, people will figure out she's waiting for him. EXT. GOVERNMENT BUILDING The building is ornate with an outdoor courtyard where GRACE, a middle-aged woman and YOUNG NATHAN, a 4 year-old boy are waiting. Shorten to EXT. GOVERNMENT BUILDING COURTYARD GRACE (40s) waits as YOUNG NATHAN (4) plays with a toy. (smiling) Drop all parenthetical directions, unless someone is changing who they are talking to mid dialog. He swings his son around, the boy laughing. Drop all micro-directions unless critical to the plot/character development A small group of men stand nearby as they pass. => HOOLIGANS He gets out of bed and quietly hurries to the top of the stairs. => kill your orphans. Nathan glimpses Gideon. He's been beaten, tarred, and feathered.=> kill your orphans. Nathan GASPS. => drop direction EXT. HORDESTON'S BAY DOCKS - YEARS LATER - AFTERNOON you may want to use a SUPER: 10 years later

comments added

@Mikaela Raun Sure. I'm an engineer by trade, so I won't bubble wrap my observations in a hug. I'm not the sweetie that Nathan is! ;-) Writing is like sculpting. Working a formless lump into something recognizable is just the beginning. Then you must scrape away everything that is not absolutely essential. That is not to say to edit while you write - get everything onto the page. Write back stories for your side characters if you want, fill in every plot hole, but the work you share should only be the tip of the iceberg.

@Nathan S Jones I often fall victim to one of the classic blunders! The most famous of which is, 'Never get involved in a land war in Asia,' but only slightly less well-known is this: 'Never go in against a Sicilian when death is on the line!'

One sentence you may want to look at: ...drove the 17-hour drive to Arizona. Not sure the exact hours, but it was long.