I was recently asked here about some of the kinks that have a more negative perception, such as being degraded, and whether or not the origins of those are rooted in trauma. My short answer at the time was...sometimes. Here's the longer answer. First, we have to address what trauma is. Trauma is not an event. It's the way our body reacts to an event. For example, two people can be involved in the same car crash. One person will complete a stress cycle and move on. The other person might not complete the stress cycle and spend the next 20 years experiencing PTSD. Essentially, trauma doesn't care how big or small the event is. It all depends on how your body reacts to the event. So, when we're looking at the origin of a kink, it's often better to look at life events instead of limiting it to trauma. Let's take the example of someone who had a difficult childhood. Perhaps they were neglected or even abused. These life events can show up in the kink world in one of two ways. They may choose "resolution", where they seek experiences that are the complete opposite, filled with devotion, want, and love. Or they may choose "repetition with agency". In this case, the person seeks to repeat the same experiences, only this time they are in control, developing scenes and setting rules. They may seek to engage with a partner who uses derogatory language or enjoy pain play. This can be an empowering experience for them - and is very different from someone who has unresolved feelings and is falling into a familiar pattern because they don't feel worthy of more. I know this topic can be a hard one. Sometimes there's judgement from the outside looking in or there's shame if you're the one who is into a less conventional desire. Remember, if you choose to participate in this discussion, it must be done without judgement. However, curiosity is always welcome.

Try to use the word “normal” in therapy and you’ll get the proverbial hand slap almost every time. I understand the concern. What’s normal? Who defines it? Therapists don’t want you trying to compare yourself to some vision of “normal” that simply doesn’t exist. I’ve been scolded for using the word so many times that it makes it challenging for me to be okay with the definition of kink. According to Merriam-Webster, kink is defined as “unconventional sexual taste or behavior.” Sit with that for a second. If you consider yourself kinky, how does it make you feel? When I first started discovering my kinks, I felt that they were weird and shameful. What kind of messed up person gets turned on by being choked? I would have agreed with the definition back then, but no longer. My educated guess is that what may have been unconventional when the definition was decided on, may be standard these days. Now that I’m a card-carrying member of the community, I’m constantly surrounded by people who share my kinks or engage in ones I’ve never even heard of. If there are so many of us out there, are we really “unconventional”? Questions regarding our sexual proclivities are unlikely to be added to the census. That’s why open dialogue is so important to me. Shame feeds on silence. We can tell ourselves that we’re abnormal or unconventional. But if we start having these conversations, we just may realize we’re not so alone. And we may even find some new play friends! I’m not saying that kinks don’t exist. I just think it’s time to revisit the definition. Toss “unconventional” in the trash with your used condoms! My working definition of kink is this – anything that brings you sexual pleasure (with yourself or with other consenting adults – yes, plural is welcome). Anytime you hear me talk about kinks, know that this is how I see them, with no judgement or shame.

There is a age difference between me and my fiance and there are times I'm in the mood and he's not. What can I do to help in that situation??

Buying/using an app-controlled toy has been on my to-do list for some time now. Last week I had an opportunity to get a sweet friends & family discount through a friend. So, I had her send me pictures of some of my options. I'm always drawn to cute colors and clever names first. But eventually I settled down my whimsy and started thinking about where I would use it, etc. I decided on the CalExotics Connect Venus Butterfly. It was the sensible choice I told myself. I knew that the "rabbit" bit would be effective, and as someone who never uses penetration during masturbation, I thought this would be a good chance to "get used to it". When I arrived at the store a few days later to make my purchase, I felt an odd tension in my body. It felt like a mix of dread and fear. It was strong enough that I couldn't ignore it. I found myself getting a bit emotional. I was confused, but not really. Here's the thing... I have struggled with penetration during sex. Most of the time I didn't realize it because I was so disconnected from my body. My brain got excited, my heart was all in, but my body tends to lag far behind. That meant that almost every time I had sex, I accepted penetration before my body was ready. Standing in front of that toy, feeling a lump of stone developing in my gut, my body was remembering all of those moments. My eyes darted to the right, no longer able to look at that Venus Butterfly. Like magic, the box next to it was another app-controlled toy that was just for external play. My body felt a flush of relief, and I took it gleefully to the counter. It made me curious about all of the ways that "no" and "yes" show up in our bodies. I'm still learning mine! Please share some of yours below. They don't even have to be about sex. By the way, I have made great progress with noticing and listening to my body more thanks to Sexual Mindfulness. I'll share much more about this in the future!

Let's get to know each other! Comment below sharing where you are in the world and what you're hoping to explore in this space.