Basically been grinding peters podcasts all over again and again, and everytime I ended up with this weird sense that i'm just not getting it, watched "how to stop self-destructive behaviour" one like 7 times already and It's just glimpses in my own experience of how much I actually grasp in there, but oh boy "why people hate being mundane" hit me like a truck. Basically what I did I've just noticed that there's such a thing in a first place, secondly that we run from it, and lastly we live our whole lives like this, funny that many people doesn't even consider about this, exactly like me, been doing this whole life. So i've sitted with it for more time and i've just started to connect the dots from all of the podcasts, like I could see that thoughts are distractions(self-made), all of the action we take is distractions, everything is a distraction when it comes to this, then i noticed emotions, i even laughed cause how can be emotion happening in nothingness without me doing it. Wanted to share this so much, cause it feels very profound when it comes to this work, now I can start integrating this into my daily life not just moments where nothing special is happening. anyone knows what i'm talking about? or i'm just fkin crazy, cause this one seems like root of everything, of every problem of every emotion you don't want, like just go and live from this state, in this state these thing has no possibility to happen cause they're just not there. And if you're further then this I would love to get some directions to look further, but for now i will keep looking at mundane until i get everything there is from it. Biggest question for me right now is why do we run from it in the first place and what is it even. Lets get back to work, also i'm grateful for answers and this community, peace✌️

So last sunday brendan tried to explain a distinction is vs isn't. This whole week I was trying to understand what this means in my own experience and I faced few things i want to share and contemplate about. So basically when there was some situation in my life which felt "heavy" in my mind like getting overhelmed by my own thinking, i've tried using this as a calm down mechanism, like i've tried using "is" as primary state over isn't so my mind just stops from going even more into thinking. Then i've noticed that this itself felt like some some suppresion or ignoring my mind state as it is right now, it's like my mind itself tried to calm it down by using "is". Main difference is that in these situations it feels like i'm ignoring what comes up even tho everything in isn't is kind of unnesecary, it still feels like i'm somehow suppresing it. Like i'm ignoring my mind so mind itself doesn't feel ignored. Then i rewatched peters video of "how to stop self-destructive behaviour like for the fifth time to see what i'm missing into my integration. It seems to me that "is" is kind of state which you cannot get tuned into by wanting it to do something for you, cause it comes from the same place where things isn't right. It's like my own mind tries to use these hearsays, to stop thinking, but that doesn't resolve the problem, cause it itself is a same thing. "is" is just now as it is without needing to do anything about it. My mind seems to complicate itself by using beliefs and assumptions that feels "higher truths" even tho I don't comprehend it by myself. It's like my own mind plays these games again and again and again just using different faces. But again there's this problem comes up where i tend to fall into self-destructive behaviour like smoking ciggaretes, which i don't want in my life, but peter also explained that this whole frusturation happens as i understand from imagined future scenarios, like I have to be this monk like stop having these all sorts of addictions. Also he tells about the social domain which all of this comes up in the first place, like drinking coffee, smoking and etc is did only to be kind of accepted into our social domain, he mentions that living in society has it own consequences like what i've mentioned. For me it's a war between what i want to become(imagined scenario of future self) and what i want to do now(smoke a ciggareete for example, it feels wrong yet right at the same time, also there's a third voice that says drop all of this shit off(but it's also minds work. It's like what i've come up with it's always my mind doing these games on me even tho i'm the one whose doing the mind(according to peter). Even now my mind by writing this wants some clear way to get rid of itself, is just another face, another method of staying alive, another way of saying "hey something is wrong with me", "hey, im special I cannot smoke a ciggarete, am i so weak that even i(special) cannot resist from smoking?" it's like i'm living in a society so i have to have identity, which has to be protected and saved, and when this doesn't happen i suffer, and if it feels save then I face into destructive behaviour, cause I need something noticeable to fix. Mind is just so smart on deceiving itself, imagine using this power for something greater then bullshiting yourself all day long. Maybe i just need to understand that i will die no matter what I will be, i'm not special, i'm not unique, i'm nothing, just a grain of sand in a desert, but this leads to nihilism, like i'm worthless, what's point of trying, why do anything then, but it's always mind doing it's shit, can't i just smoke a ciggarrete for a damn sake and not go into existential shit my mind comes up with 😂

So i'm new in this work, I have many questions, but it feels like answers won't help from others, I'm having hard time writing this, because I want to clear my confusion with the answers I get, but this whole conflict of not-knowing what to do is also happening in mind, sooo, does anyone have some possibilities to share what to do with this constant conflict in my head, it's like i've had insight or I don't know what it was, but at that moment I was hyper aware how my mind was somethig that was happening without any control, like it was something seperate from my being, from that point I want to believe that mind is something i can completly ignore, but who is the one who tries to ignore it , and by continuesly having conflict like this and wanting to reach this state of seeing my mind like i saw in that moment is getting in my way of doing it, idk