I’d like to think I’m a pretty patient person. Then someone asks me the same question for the 17th time. Repetitive questions can test even the most patient caregiver, and yes, they’ve tested me too. In today’s episode, we become Behavior Detectives and look beneath the repetition. Instead of asking, “How do I make this stop?” we get curious about what the repeated question might actually be telling us. we start noticing a few clues: - When does it happen? Time of day, fatigue, hunger, boredom, or when someone leaves the room? - What seems to help? Does one response offer reassurance longer than another? - What’s the theme? The words may change, or repeat, but the need underneath might be uncertainty, connection, orientation, or reassurance. “When are we leaving?” may not really be about leaving. “Where is Mom?” may be less about where she is and more about needing connection. Listen for the theme, not just the sentence. What repetitive question are you hearing lately?

Thank you to the Dementia Caregiver Collective for all of the wonderful advice and support you have given. My mom is the early stages of her dementia and I am gradually increasing my caregiving. I am so thankful I am able to learn this information now instead of years down the road. I feel like I can give my mom better care because of the information I am learning now. @Robin Helm and @Donna Descoteaux provide practical solutions to very real caregiver problems. No over-my-head medical terms or feel-good mumbo jumbo. Just solid strategies to make life easier for the caregiver and their loved one. I highly recommend the Dementia Caregiver Collective to anyone who is helping care for a loved one with this terrible disease. It will help both of you.

So Friday’s challenge is: Choose one recurring care task and ask: what need can I protect while we do this? Here are some examples of the need and possible solutions - Competence: let them do the part they can still do - Predictability: use the same order, same words, same time when possible - Safety: slow down, reduce rushing, improve footing or lighting - Identity: respect clothing, grooming, routines, preferences - Emotional security: reassure first, task second I know that you, the compassionate caregiver would like to maintain your loved one's dignity and independence, gentle reminder...Success is not just getting the task done. Success is getting through the task with as much dignity, safety, and connection as possible.

Sometimes “no” is not just rejection of the task. It may be protecting: Control/ privacy /identity/ dignity /predictability /physical comfort/ emotional safety or a sense of competence. Instead of: “How do I get past the no?” Ask: “What is the no trying to preserve?” As the observer use this 4 step process: 1. Notice the no. 2. Ask what might be threatened. 3. Change one thing that protects that need. 4. Watch what happens. If you think the issue is control: Offer two acceptable choices. If you think it is privacy: Cover the body, close the door, reduce the number of helpers. If you think it is fear: Slow down, explain one step, use familiar routines. If you think it is competence: Let them do whatever part they still can.

Which part of the task is breaking down? Instead of "Why won't they do this?" Consider "Where does the task begin to fall apart?" Join in...the challenge today is to watch where your loved one hesitates, stops, repeats, becomes frustrated, or asks for help. Where does the task seem to break down?