I’ve been quiet the last few days because I’ve been trying to force this—trying to show up perfect, trying to make things happen faster than they should, and it’s burning me out. I set my standards so high that I stopped being present, and a bit scatterbrained. I’m not really connecting, I’m just pushing… and it’s starting to push people away. I haven’t been reaching out like I should, I haven’t set clear boundaries or expectations, and when I really look at it, I’ve been doing this for years... I tend to see where people fall short before I see their potential, and if I’m honest, that’s ego. Thinking they just need to try harder. Thinking I can push them into change. But that’s not leadership, that’s control. When I look at my own life, nothing changed because of pressure. It changed when I got honest. Alcohol, nicotine, and porn I was numbing everything instead of dealing with what was actually holding me back. I blamed God for a long time, but the truth is I had to take responsibility for where I was. And now I’m seeing that same pattern show up again, just in a different form. I’m putting myself out there, then getting frustrated when results don’t come fast enough. Wanting it now. And that’s exposing something deeper, how much I’ve been driven by validation, trying to earn approval, trying to prove something. It runs deeper than I thought. And yeah, it’s uncomfortable going back there, but it’s also bringing clarity. God isn’t tearing me down, He’s showing me where I haven’t surrendered yet. So if I want men to open up in here, I have to go first. Not with pressure, not with answers, just truth. I’m not perfect. I’m not always consistent. I still wrestle with ego, control, and expectations. But I’m in it. And I’m not going back. This journey is teaching me so many things about myself as I put myself on the altar and exposing my weaknesses I’m growing in ways I’ve never thought possible. It hurts, a lot sometimes. I do have to say that pain is the best teacher. So I’m in this pain with you.

Snoop dog would say this is a national holiday. For me it’s just Monday. 4:30 WU, cold shower, meditate. Into journal/scripture. And Coffee and biscuits Those who obey get good treats! It’s chest and Back today. Hoping I don’t crack a rib like last time.. that sucked.