There’s a strange phase where clarity feels… dull. No drama. No mental fireworks. No emotional spikes. Just presence. At first, the nervous system mistakes that for something being wrong... but boredom is often just peace without chaos attached. When we stop chasing stimulation, clarity finally has room to speak.

What people call a “demon,” “shadow,” or “adversary” is usually just the nervous system doing its job. The nervous system is wired to protect the familiar, not the best. So when you move toward unfamiliar freedom, expansion feels like danger. That’s why doubt spikes right before growth. Not because something’s wrong — but because safety is being renegotiated. The work isn’t overpowering the voice. It's staying regulated while your system learns that this new level is safe. Stay regulated. Much peace. Agape to all.

Judging myself is a pattern my older brother has noticed for a long time and it's one of the only things I feel as I turn a blind eye to while still being aware of it. My thought process goes in loopholes of negative thoughts that I label and identify with it and usually I cry to it rather than rage about it since I found a long time ago that rage didn't help in nothing ( fck I just judged myself LMFAO) its something Im starting to catch on to but it feels terribly hard to endure and the self belief I have in me is none. Thoughts come of other people around me and how I find all the bad things in them and get mad at them but at the same time I am conscious that its only my emotions going haywire so that hatred or whatever resentment toward that person or something is turned instead inward to not take action on my ego/emotions. Example: may feel bad toward a little thing said from my girlfriend and I feed into that so much unconsciously that I get to a breaking point where I wanna end the relationship outta nowhere or instead shit on myself on how I'm useless for letting such little thoughts or allowing myself to become so affected about it ( all of that only happens in the mind and maybe you'll see me rocking back and forth pouting like a 12 year old in silence ) then. I cry. Nothing happens and I move on. But all of that is nothing efficient- since that sole example is to demonstrate how I struggle with thoughts and it takes my whole energy and day away leaving me what people call it depressed. I'm fully aware of how I'm judging myself yet I can't seem to find a way to stop it because I have to admit it also feels good to ruminate. I don't expect a solution but this is my lowkey way of asking for help on how to stop this. The only time's I don't pay attention, move on or simply don't have negative thoughts labeled as bad is when I'm High. Yeah idk what else to say lol much love to everyone.

At some point on the path, effort stopped working the way it used to. Pushing harder didn’t create momentum. Forcing clarity made things foggier. Trying to “do the right thing” felt… heavy. At first I thought I was regressing, but then I noticed something strange... The more aware I became, the less compatible effort felt. Not action. Effort. Effort has friction in it. It carries fear, control, and future-grasping. And awareness is allergic to that. Before, effort worked because identity was driving. “I need to become someone.” “I need to get somewhere.” “I need to fix this.” But once awareness turns on, the system changes. You can’t force growth from presence. You can’t manipulate outcomes from stillness. You can’t hustle truth. What actually started working again was simpler and harder to accept. Clear seeing. Clean action. No emotional charge behind it. Not passive. Not lazy. Just… accurate. I’m learning that effort is useful early on and later, it becomes interference. At a certain depth, the path isn’t about doing more. It’s about removing what’s distorting the signal. I know I’m not the only one who wondered... “Why does trying harder feel wrong now?” Effort works… until it doesn’t. Awareness changes the operating system

Hey all, I'm Ruben, from the Netherlands. I've decided that I want to break through my monotonous loop of daily life. I love the time I spent with my good friends, but after that or during a work week I just sit behind my pc. I have had enough. Though I find it very hard to change this. That's why I joined a community to see and hopefully experience I'm not alone in this. I wish to learn and discover more about myself. And perhaps make some international friends along the way!