Next week we are starting something I have been sitting on for a while. A three week free series right here in the community. And I am warning you now this one is going to go places most people are not willing to go. But I believe this community is ready. Here is what we are doing. WEEK ONE -- GET IT OUT. We are talking about the anger you have toward God that you have never said out loud. The hurt you have been carrying quietly because it did not feel okay to admit it. The prayers that felt like they went nowhere. The season that broke something in you. The moment you smiled in church while something inside you was screaming. We are taking the mask off. Not to be disrespectful to God. But because He already knows. And He would rather have your honest anger than your polished performance. Week one is about getting it out. Acknowledging that it exists. Saying the thing you have been afraid to say. WEEK TWO -- YOU NEVER HAD TO EARN IT. This is the week that is going to undo some of you. Because a lot of us have been living like God's love is conditional. Like if we do enough, pray enough, get it together enough then He will show up for us. But that was never the deal. He did not save you because you were qualified. He did not call you because you had it together. He did not choose you because you could perform. He did it because He loved you. No quid pro quo. No fine print. No "if you do this then I do that." Just love. Before you deserved it. Before you earned it. Before you even wanted it. WEEK THREE -- COME OUT OF AGREEMENT. This is where we do the work. Because once you have gotten honest with God and received His love without conditions you have to break agreement with every pattern, every lie, every cycle that was built on the belief that you were not enough. The way you parent from fear instead of love. The way you shrink when God is calling you to step up. The way you keep repeating what you swore you would never repeat. Week three is about coming out of agreement with all of it.

When was the last time you prayed and actually meant every word? Not the prayer that sounded right. Not the one that had the right cadence and the right scriptures woven in. Not the one that would have impressed whoever was listening. The real one. The one that started with God I do not even know what to say right now. The one that was just tears with no words attached. The one where you were honest about being angry, confused, exhausted, and close to giving up. When was the last time THAT prayer left your mouth? Because I think for a lot of us it has been a while. And I think the reason is because somewhere along the way we learned that THAT version of us was not welcome in the presence of God. So we put on the mask. And we got so good at wearing it that sometimes we forget it is even there. Let me describe the mask for you. The mask is "I am blessed and highly favored" when you are barely holding on. The mask is the praise hands on Sunday when you spent Saturday night crying and questioning everything. The mask is the prayer request that sounds spiritual "please pray for my peace" when what you actually want to say is I am furious and I do not understand what God is doing and I am scared He has forgotten me. The mask is the "God is good" response when someone asks how you are doing because you have learned that the real answer makes people uncomfortable. The mask is perfect church attendance while your faith is quietly unraveling on the inside. The mask is serving in ministry while running on completely empty and telling nobody. We wear it so well. We have worn it for so long. And it is exhausting. It costs us real encounter with God. Because you cannot be truly met by God in a place you are pretending to be. He meets you where you actually ARE. Not where you are performing. Not where you are presenting your best spiritual self. Not where you have it together enough to come before Him. WHERE. YOU. ACTUALLY. ARE. And if you are always performing even in prayer God is always meeting the performance.

And I know that might sound regular to some of you. People cry in church all the time. But it is not regular for me. I am a gangster. 😂 Crying is genuinely not something my body does easily. I do not jump around. I do not shout. I do not take off running down the aisle. You will normally find me in middle with a notebook writing down everything I want to study later. That is just who I am. But yesterday I cried. And I did not pay attention to who was around me. I did not think about how I looked. I did not manage it or control it or wait until I got to the car. I just cried. And in that crying I finally stopped performing. I cried because I am exhausted. I cried because I have been everything for everyone for so long that I forgot what it feels like to just be Ashley. I cried because I thought I was doing right by homeschooling my children and some days it is driving me absolutely bananas. I cried because I have always been a good steward of money and I still had to move three times in one year just to protect my family. I cried because this is not exactly the vision I had for my life at this point. I cried because I am a good person who does great things and I still have unaddressed trauma sitting in places I have not been brave enough to look at yet. I cried because I am tired of being in control. And for the first time in a long time it felt so good to not be. So I need to tell you something today. I am an amazing kids Bible teacher. I am the one God gave a word for parents. I show up here consistently with tools and truth and fire and I mean every single word of it. And I still struggle. I still fall short. I still have hard days and hard seasons and things I have not figured out yet. And that is okay. As of yesterday I am officially assigned to a counselor at my church. And I am sharing that out loud on purpose. Because as long as I stay silent the enemy wins. And I refuse to let him win. So today I am speaking up. Against quiet depression that nobody talks about because it does not look dramatic enough to be real.

Someone said go celebrate yourself and she said SAY LESS. She did not stay home. She did not do a little something. She went OUT. All the way out. Full send. No looking back. And that DRESS. Can we talk about that dress for a second because it is absolutely stunning and she wore it like she knew exactly who she was when she put it on. This is what I am talking about right here. This is what it looks like when a parent who has been pouring into everybody else finally turns the cup toward herself and says today is MY day. You earned every single moment of yesterday Natalee. Every reservation, every compliment you received, every head that turned you deserved all of it. Because behind that stunning dress is a parent who never gave up, who kept showing up, and who chose her children again and again even when it was hard. Yesterday you chose yourself. And it looks GOOD on you. 🔥 My Grandma would have looked at this picture and said now THAT is how you celebrate. 🧡 We see you Queen. We celebrate you. Don't ever stop showing up for yourself like this. In honor of Frances Marie Williams. 🧡 @Natalee Pinnock

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