Yes. I understand what you are saying. And when I said “intentionally shift my energy” that came out sounding more controlling than I meant for it to. Thanks for showing me that because that reveals where I am still shifting out of this mindset of control. I don’t believe it is feminine in a bad way. We are both and need both. I am past ( or mostly past) the limiting beliefs around gender roles and masculine/feminine energy. I’m working to understand the flow of energy, not control it. I will not cut short my grieving. If my body/soul needs it, I will do my best to let it move through me. I naturally felt a shift a couple of days ago, which I believe is coming through BECAUSE I allowed the deep emotions to pass through me rather than try to control them. I never want to lose that connection to myself again. Instead of “intentionally shifting” I am going to allow this new wave to come in because it feels genuine and absolutely grounded - birthing out of the intense purging I have done, and will continue to do as it moves through me. I’m just again marveling at the connection that our nervous systems have across time and space. I’m trying to just allow and observe this connection and let it be what it’s going to be - working with it. It feels like I’m starting to accept it for whatever it brings. Inside - Out. That’s my new motto. Learning to understand and work with energy and connection from the inside out. I don’t know if that‘s clear or not. Language gets tricky the more you go into your feeling intelligence rather than thinking, I’m noticing.

@Rachel Benham my wife (twin-separated) said that with me she felt the most love, but also that I hurt her worse than anyone she’d ever been with. She said I found her broken and broke her even worse. I actually adored her. I mean, that’s an understatement. I FELT her pain in my body. I felt HER. All of her. I promised her that I would make her feel more loved than she had ever felt. I guess I did. But she said the “poison” that came with it almost killed her. And she can’t seem to find it in her to forgive me. Thing is, I didn’t cheat like past relationships. I didn’t ghost. I didn’t abuse. What I did was open her and then could not stay emotionally fully present and loving myself as much as I loved her. I got lost in shame and started questioning my worth. And she felt my self rejection as rejection of her. She felt my self abandonment as if I was abandoning her. And I never truly got that until she left. This is not supposed to be painless. In order to build something right, you have to demolish the structure that was built on distortion. That hurts like hell. That doesn’t mean the connection wasn’t right for you. I’ve tried to explain this to her but it just doesn’t land. And of course I don’t want to hurt her anymore so I’m probably doing this to myself.