The object I was holding was Taz the Tasmanian devil from looney toons. it was the anxiety I was feeling. I could sit still I tried to jump to 5 different apps and distractions as I came to this, I was looking around, adjusting my pillows, doing nothing but sit… still… As I was feeling the madness circle around me the movement was interesting, I move him out in front of me and there appeared a glass box. I could feel him circling around the glass box but he couldn’t get to me. As I sat there and stared i realized the movement is justification. I feel inept, not enough, behind, unworthy. I realized that I have been believing that my value come in movement. So to stop moving is to cease to be valuable. To stop moving is also to stop long enough to find out… I’m afraid that if I sit and listen… much like Martha… that it won’t be ok, there will be a why aren’t you working… There is a stillness that I remember from times lost in the chaos peaking out at me. A familiar friend yet also a lost connection. I’m thankful to be sitting.. to be releasing, to be slowing down. I’m willing as far as my heart can carry and I’m open as far as the Lord wants to take it. I was surprised by this experience.. not because I am anxious but that it has gotten so far into me that I didn’t realize just how anxious I’ve become. To a week of discovery and new life.

I have done this exercise before, so I just thought I’m sure the object that came to mind the first time is what I will go to. Let me just focus on that object. While tried to do that my mind is also trailing away with a conversation I need to have soon, along with my phone notifications going off and what groceries I need to get. I suddenly get very frustrated and just thinking can I even do this my mind is so clouded, I feel like I have even think straight. Then silent, my mind is so clouded. Cold, grey, fog. I am sitting a cloud of shame. I have been on a journey of seeking and self reflection the last couple of years and I feel my relationship with God growing but I also am often reminded of things I have said and done that have caused him and others hurt and feel like I am still not good enough. Feeling lost in that cloud, the prompts continue and I try to hold out this wispy grey fog, not even able to see my own hands then I hear in my mind..the sun always breaks through the clouds, and I blow, with each breath the cloud starts to drift and I feel warmth and feel joy. Still processing through this but thankful for a start:)

Wow. This is the first time I have done this. It was a challenge. Challenging to focus my mind and to feel an emotion. When it came to picturing my feeling, creativity was lacking. However, the peace that came over me when breathing and picturing Jesus across the table from me was beautiful. I could do that again. 😅 As for being willing, mostly my answers were yes. However, I struggled with "willing to start running" and "willing to start...?" I think my hesitation to both of these is because starting means taking a step and taking a step means I could be wrong or make a mistake. When it comes to our spiritual lives, mistakes that are big enough could lead to death. Terrifying. So, I'm working through that. I'd like to say I am willing to start whatever it is... but it just isn't true. Yet.

I'm having trouble understanding... Looking in the "Classroom" and not finding anything on S Prayer. What is it and how do I find the prompts?? :) Or is it the questions on the feed that Lauren posted? Thanks!!

I couldn’t let go. During the ‘Simplicity’ part of the prayer when asked to pick a physical motion to let go of the emotion I’m carrying, I couldn’t. I honestly started to break down as tears welled up My emotion was worry. And the things that I’m worried about took the form of game pieces on a board. Picture the SORRY GAME pegs. One was black (which was the biggest thing I’m worried about right now). I thought about shaking the pieces off or flinging them up in the air, and that’s when I broke down. I felt like if I were to let anything happen to the pieces on the board... my hopes for those things I’m worried about... that I deeply care about... would be gone. And then, (even before the guide brought it up) I was suddenly sitting back at the table with Jesus, but the game board and pieces were in between us. He didn’t force me to let go. Instead, he embraced the board game with me. It was as though he said (but not in a spoken kind of way - more so willinging me to know inside), “Let’s look at these pieces and this game together and see what we can make of it.” I felt safe worrying in front of him. I didn’t feel alone, like I have this last week, with these deep worries. So, today, I’m I’m inviting Jesus into my worry, and oddly that looks like playing a game with Him!