10h • General discussion
3 year post pre-relapse
It’s easy for the addict to be the target when society aims their judgement. It’s easy for everyone to look at us, sick and twisted souls and say that we have the toxic traits and terrible habits that eat at the core of our communities! I spent most of my life running and hiding from the sober so, it surprised me, as too it might you, when I found out how many sober people exhibit the exact same toxic traits and terrible habits that I always attributed to addiction. Ya know, for a long time, I thought addiction was my habits & behaviors. I really did think that once the drugs were down and I put my cards on the table, that I would leave addiction in the dust. Nothing could be further from the truth so, what is addiction? If it’s not my habits and behaviors, it must be a disease right? I’ve always said that addiction is not a disease and I stand tall to that but I heard a gentleman call it a sickness the other day & that seemed to resonate a bit better with me. All of the toxic traits and terrible habits, the no self confidence, the negativity, the thinking I’ll never measure up, the feeling that everyone is better than me. It’s the same shit many deal with but I was weak & I ran to addiction! The addiction evolved into a sickness that robbed me of the chance to face my emotions, to face my demons! Instead I chose the road that let them fester inside, like an infected splinter in my soul. Until they created the monster I found at my final rock bottom. The monster that came close to claiming my life!! People have asked me many times “what’s it take to get sober?” The answer is, it’s a descent into a darkness that most no one can imagine! One filled with self hatred, that is deeper than oceans and harder than diamonds! The answer is realizing there are no drugs pure enough, no liquor strong enough to escape the monster that lives within! The answer is realizing there is no limit to how high a person can climb but I can tell you from personal experience there is a limit to how far you can fall & it ends with the sound of the hinges creaking as they close the lid over top of you! Everyone asks me for an escape from addiction, an answer to making sobriety easy but there’s not one! It’s fkn exhausting! It’s work! Every day!! It’s choosing every single day to get the fuck up & not be who I was yesterday! Everyone tells me that I’m too hard on myself but I’m tired of accepting just being ok! I didn’t get fkn sober to achieve just being ok!! I didn’t live through everything that was meant to kill me just so that I be simply ok! My dreams didn’t involve a life of just getting by!!! I write this post as my 3 years sober post since May 13th will mark the anniversary of the day I tried ending my life with drugs and alcohol. The day I met the monster within and tried giving up! I woke up on May 14th, being told that I must have a purpose on this earth as most none of the doctors or nurses could believe I lived through the night. I had a .43 blood alcohol content, which that works the same way as a percentage. So, 43% of my blood, was alcohol while I had 3.5 grams of cocaine racing through my veins. The coke is probably what kept me alive but for the purpose of the post, let’s stick with some divine intervention okay? Lol I’ve stumbled through these 3 years feeling like there is an anchor attached to my waist as I try to battle demons I spent my life running away from while trying to act like I have everything figured out!! I walked away from taking care of myself. I quit working out. Hell, I even came across a few pills a few months ago and I swear before I could even think about it, they were swallowed. I kicked my ass pretty bad for that but the truth is, it took away the wondering. It took away the curiosity of always wondering if the high was as great as my addict memory portrayed it to be! The truth is, my second year of sobriety was my hardest yet and honestly, I’m happy to have survived it with only a minor mishap! It wasn’t a first class ticket to euphoria town like I had imagined it would be! Instead, it plunged me to depths so close to hells fire that I started calling my demons, my friends again as I was brought to tears in the face of my weakness! I come into my third year of sobriety with the steam of a thousand horses as I swear on my life, I will not spend another year spinning my wheels in the face of fear! Idk what’s going to happen next but this will be the year of chances and growth! I’ve proved I can be sober, this is the year where I prove to myself that I can be successful!!! I’m surrounded by people who hate risk but rather than keep listening to them & trying to be safe, this is the year I’m going to put it all on the table and see what happens!! For fortunes or fate, idc but I’m going to prove to myself that I can do this or I’m gonna fail in a fkn glorious fashion!! I want to say that this post is written with a flame under my ass but fuck that, I’ve got the torch in hand and this is the year that I light the world on fire!!! Here’s to the year I prove to myself and to everyone why I got fkn sober!! Thanks for reading!! 💯
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3 year post pre-relapse
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