24d • General discussion
The mechanics of connection: 5 Lessons from the field
Ironically, in a session about inclusion, I felt excluded.
I attended an international group workshop on systems change last Sunday and left disappointed, however, took away 5 great lessons on facilitation and inclusion I'll share with you today.
Here are my observations:
1) Never leave a concept floating, always anchor it. This will reduce the feedback that concepts are 'airy fairy'.
When participants say a framework feels "fluffy", they aren't critiquing the theory. They're saying, "I don't know how to use this on Monday." Intellectual depth without relatable references creates more distance than people realise, that's the opposite of connection and often gets facilitators and leaders further than what they wanted to begin with!
- Bad: "Let's sit with the energy of this system." (actual quote)
- Good: "Notice the tension in your chest right now. That tension is great data for you. In a board meeting, that data often signals for you to pause before you answer."
2) Close the loop on every comment. The worst feeling for a participant isn't being disagreed with, it's being ignored or dismissed.
When someone speaks and gets silence in return, they feel invisible, confused or dismissed. An input that isn't acknowledged divides group morale and trust. The facilitator must ensure every comment lands somewhere, even if they disagree with it.
- Bad: [Silence after a participant shares] ... "Okay, who wants to go next?"
- Good: "I noticed the room went quiet after you shared that. I want to repeat back what I heard to make sure we really got it."
3) Safety isn't comfort. Facilitators often mistake "keeping it light" for positive progress, often wanting to show their participants that the workshop or session went from bad to good. This assumes way too many things:
- That feeling bad at any stage of the workshop is a bad experience.
- Which in turn assumes the participant doesn't have the emotional maturity nor intelligence to gain an insight from negative feelings
- It also assumes that learning needs to come from a place of safety, ignoring the fact that learning new things means sitting in uncertainty, failure and confusion to gain new insights. Learning by default sits outside the comfort zone.
By smoothing over tension, we prioritize the mood over the truth. Real psychological safety is strong enough to handle disagreement and heat without breaking.
- Bad: "Let's keep the energy positive and move on."
- Good: "We have two very different realities in the room right now. That gap is actually a good sign,it means we're getting to the real work. Let's look at it."
4) Don't just "open the floor", direct the traffic! Asking "Does anyone have anything to add?" or "Who would like to go first?" usually hands the microphone to the loudest, most confident people.
To get real balance, you have to actively invite the quieter voices in. It feels counter-intuitive but it’s not about controlling the conversation, it’s about making sure the quiet people have a safe (and uncomfortably tolerable) entry point into the conversation.
- Bad: "I'd like to open the floor to everybody"
- Good: "I want to hear from voices we haven't heard yet. Sarah, you've been listening deeply, I’m curious what's on your mind."
5) Facilitate the room you have, not the room you want. Read that again.
You can't force a group to analyze a complex problem if they're still stuck in their feelings about it. You have to read (and feel) the room every step of the way. This is why facilitation work is so emotionally draining when you have groups with vastly different personality types and levels of experience.
If you try to push past the emotion to get to the "logic," you'll lose them. If you feel the 'imbalance' here as a facilitator, it's often because you're in your head and not in your body and heart. Get present, catch everyone's body language, mimic them (like their posture and tone) to empathise for them and this will get you out of your head and into your body and heart.
- Bad: Pushing for "root causes" and strategy when the group is clearly still venting.
- Good: "I'm sensing that we need to process some of these feelings more before we start analyzing. Let's unpack a bit more. David, you mentioned you were frustrated with the rollout—tell us more about that."
I'm really curious about what you think, tell me your experiences, and feel free to use this thread to as a resource for your own teaching and facilitation of the leaders you're helping!
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The mechanics of connection: 5 Lessons from the field
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