Epic Soul Goal - Prime Time… For Real · Awaken Your Peak Performance

Epic Soul Goal - Prime Time… For Real

I’m seeing how much resistance I have to sharing publicly in this course - not much different from my major fear of putting myself out there in life. It’s rooted in an inherited generational shame. In my adolescence I was an overachiever - top athlete, student, a leader in several extracurricular activities.. title after title and award after award. I was voted Most Likely to Succeed by my high school class, which behind the scenes I was campaigning to win. I came into this course and named my project Prime Time, as I turned 37 (prime #) at the beginning of the course, and I was having a lot of memories of when I was 17 (prime #) and this super driven, high achieving competitive person and I was unapologetic about it. Though I can see now how much of that was the ego. Behind the high achievements was someone whose parents would never approve of, will never be perfect enough, an outcast of society.

I went to one of the top business universities in the country and stopped being a driven high achiever - I failed a few classes because I wasn’t going and basically gave up, then got put on academic probation. Eventually I did get my shit together and graduated, but since then I’ve often not related to myself as the “most likely to succeed.”

While I did move things forward in the past few months, I’ve encountered an enormous amount of resistance and I did not take on the assignments each week with integrity. I went through the motions a lot. Just writing this out I can see it’s a pattern that goes back to my time in college when I started to realize this intense desire I had to be THE BEST was this major inauthenticity of overcompensation… Making a ton of money as a business major wasn’t what really what made my soul happy. I hated my business classes and missed Spanish, history, and the social sciences but felt obligated to finish what I started as to not let my parents down even more. In my senior year I got my heart broken because of the way my coming out to my parents went. But I just kept doing what I thought I had to do to survive and “be a good, successful member of society.”

There’s one more week left and I’m not going to buy an investment property by then which was my initial project. I did save a ton of money in the past few months and I’m now in a position of being ready to do that when the timing is right. After finally (just this morning) resisting actually doing some Soul Sitting, I’ve created what I want to accomplish in this final week. Just in writing all this out and reflecting on my life to this point, I can see that where I’ve been stopped in my life has been when I’ve been unwilling to take responsibility for my power and instead blamed other people (often my parents) for why I can’t. Actually I see this same mechanism in my siblings and my nieces and nephews, and my parents too. Christmas is a week after this course ends. There’s a lot of challenges all of my siblings and their kids are going through right now in their lives. I sense my parents are also dealing with struggles they would never honestly communicate because they don’t even know how.

I think the best gift I can give my family, which is also the best gift I can give to myself, is to share myself authentically. Not in order to produce a result, or make them change something about themselves, but to open up possibilities. So over the next week, my soul pursuit is to write a letter to every single person in my family to give to them at Christmas to open up all of us having the access to living a created life we love. Reclaiming that self belief that has been missing.

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