10d • General discussion
“You don’t know what I’m going through unless you’ve walked in my shoes.”
We all know this sentence. Most of us have said it at least once.
And yes, sometimes it is absolutely fair.
But is it always true?
A client once came to me with a very specific plan and asked for my opinion.
Now, when someone asks me for my opinion, they usually get it, even if it is not wrapped in glitter and applause.
I shared my concerns calmly. She did not like it. In fact, she cancelled the next few appointments.
Months later, completely out of the blue, she reached out again.
At the next session she told me her big plan had backfired badly. Before I could say a word, she stopped me with “Please don’t judge me unless you’ve walked in my shoes.”
That sentence stayed with me as I did hear many times through the years of coaching.
My thought was this.
Why would I need to walk in those shoes when I had already decided not to put them on?
When I see a plan that carries a high risk to someone’s peace, stability, or happiness, and I verbalise that concern, it does not mean I do not understand the person.
It means I have already done the mental cost benefit calculation for myself and what it would do to my happiness if it goes wrong.
There are moments in life where we truly cannot understand someone unless we live through it.
Illness.
Loss.
Sudden and uncontrollable events.
But conscious choices are different.
Risky investments.
Staying in abusive relationships.
Shortcuts in careers or life that quietly compromise values.
I do not need to experience the crash to recognise the speed.
Feelings add another layer. They feel very real, and they are real experiences, but they are not reality itself. Feelings reflect our emotional state, not the whole picture.
The same decision can feel exciting and empowering at the beginning and devastating later, not because the situation changed, but because the outcome did.
So no, I do not know how those shoes feel after the fall.
But I know why I never put them on.
Because my internal alarm system already told me this choice might threaten my happiness baseline.
Protecting that baseline is not cold, judgmental, or selfish. It is responsible.
So here is the locker room moment before we head back to our lives:
Next time, before you put on new shoes, ask yourself one simple question. Will this choice make my life lighter, or heavier?
Experience matters.
Success matters.
But happiness is what tells you whether you chose well.
Choose your shoes wisely, and you will rarely feel the need to tell others “Please don’t judge me unless you’ve walked in my shoes.”
Because when your choices are aligned with your happiness, your life will speak for itself.
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“You don’t know what I’m going through unless you’ve walked in my shoes.”
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