Mar '24 (edited) • 🥳|Small Wins
Dark Knight of the Soul to The Matrix 25th Anniversary Screening
“How about I give you the finger? And you give me my phone call.” I don’t normally throw up the finger in photos, but only to make that small reference in this instance. It’s a cool line in an iconic scene.
Shortly before I had my awakening and realized I was Chosen just a little less than a year ago, I think spirit really drew me back to rewatching this film. I didn’t know why, but I was obsessed, addicted with rewatching this movie everyday for no inexplicable reason other than Keanu Reeves and Laurence Fishburne are amazing actors (John Wick?) and I’m a heavy sci-fi fan. My life then was a hamster wheel, stuck in a toxic and evil 9-5, living with a physical and emotionally abusive narcissistic parent who most of my income went to, co-dependent on marijuana to get through each day and night as my undealt trauma and depression worsened into further self-apathy, and so far strayed away from my God-given creative hobbies - writing and illustrating. Despite being Christian all my life, now classifying myself as a Spiritual Christian, I was borderline NIHILISTIC. I felt and behaved like a lost soul despite knowing what my God-given gifts were and having direction in life because of it. Regardless, I became a walking epitome of that Doomer meme with the guy wearing a black beanie and a cig always in his mouth.
This was my Dark Knight of the Soul. To be honest, I don’t even think I’m fully out of it yet. Although a lot of people and places were purged out of my life last year, including the abusive narc, I find myself at another toxic 9-5 and currently involved in another cycle of workplace bullying and overall unempathy considering my struggling mental health. At my last workplace, I severely let go of myself as my self-apathy reached unexpected and unimaginable heights, 20+ years of being continuously traumatized as a kid and abused into adulthood behind closed doors in the making. To be frank, no one from home nor my so-called “friends” at work who resorted to laughing at me couldn’t care less if I lived or died, and neither did I. I honestly believed my life was written to be a tragedy in the book of life, someone who most saw as a meek and kind-natured person filled with internal happiness and chasing big dreams… having all that end by being laughed at to death for trauma unseen, and my current circumstances were a consequence of me living for too long. My intuition told me “This would be all over soon,” and I interpreted that as death as I constantly felt dread follow me everywhere I went. I didn’t care for the current day nor the next as I believed death would take me out before the next day or even the next hour would arrive, but instead I was saved just in time by God. I’m glad to say my thoughts no longer align with my old thoughts of last year and will never be. Realizing I was Chosen gave me lots of closure for why my so-called “supportive and loving mother” was constantly triggered into abusing me up into adulthood and psychologically torturing me for a period of time when I was 8-11, and it explained why I was so drawn to rewatching The Matrix. That movie was literally made for Chosen Ones. I’m Neo. We’re all literally Neo. We have agents in our lives. We felt there was something wrong with the world, decided to take the red pill, and now we woke up. It’s funny because I so badly wanted to just reach into the screen and grab that red pill.
Last week, I was fortunate to see this film in theaters for its 25th anniversary which felt almost conclusive to where I was just a year prior even if I’m not in a completely ideal situation, which I consider a small win. Currently, I’m writing a novel that initially started out as a Matrix 4 rewrite fanfic since I wasn’t too pleased with that entry, only now I’m incorporating the very real struggles and isolation I’ve endured from my life into the main character. I have a lot to say about mental health and especially the unempathy of others who should know better about depression and related topics since phones and the internet exist for this information to be widespread now, and everyone claims to be a mental health advocate nowadays, but their words and actions don’t align when someone in their lives needs that advocating. When an unprecedented mental health emergency arrives, struggling with your dysregulated and disassociated mind and body spinning out of control, most people’s first and only instinct is to hate, laugh, and congregate with others who do the same akin to schoolchildren but in the bodies of 20 and even 40 and 50 year olds. Perhaps it’s because of my light, but I know regardless of light this experience isn’t exclusive to just Chosen Ones. There’s Empaths out there who’re suffering too. I experienced first hand ‘this is why people take their own lives’ because a majority of people have become compromised by hatred, quick prejudgments, and assuming and believing the worse of others without knowing the severity of their situation, and I believe the accusatory way people communicate online in social media comments and whatnot are training people to behave that way in real life, to lose their understanding of others thus losing touch with their humanity. Very ironic that a sci-fi story about the rise of technology taking over the essence of humanity is playing out in real life now, and I’m about to be the next writer to take a crack at the premise. Art such as film, music, and literature have the power to save lives, and I have a lot of insightful words caused by enduring rare, cruel, and unusual circumstances that robbed me of a childhood, a good reputation in recent instances, and a proper start to my young adulthood, that can back up my fictional narratives. The devil has been laughing at me for the past year to now, but all that is about to change when I become a New York Times bestselling author. It’s a little weird typing all this knowing my name and face will be associated. I’ve played the covert narcissist’s games for years that coming out like this is unusual, but I know it must be done to represent the purpose God has for me. So, the practice here helps.
I’m 30% done with my initial draft, and I’m thinking about getting beta-readers to read it once I’m finished. If you’re a serious reader, somewhat familiar with sci-fi and psychological thriller, or if you’re just curious or like The Matrix like I do, and don’t mind signing an NDA then hit me up and you could beta-read my first draft when it’s finished and share your commentary. I’ll try to list your name in a devotional page somewhere. This place will be the first to know any updates to my Matrix-successor! Thanks for reading my spir-of-the-moment Ted Talk. I hope sharing this testimony of sorts inspired someone or reignited their fuel. - K.E. Freeman
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Dark Knight of the Soul to The Matrix 25th Anniversary Screening
