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Hi guys so this is my latest idea for a mini series. To be honest this could be my first and last diary if my symptoms flare up but I reckon that most people could take something away from it. I will just share a few thoughts on coming back to cycling and how it is different now compared to before. A lot has changed.

So I was racing on the road since I was 11 and was with Trinity Racing for the 2021 and 2022 seasons when I came into the u23 ranks. In 2022 I had 2 pretty bad crashes and whacked my head hard both times - the second crash was 6 weeks after the first so they were fairly close together and although physically I was in the best place I had ever been, my brain was probably still not ready for another big impact. During this period after my concussions I rushed back and did as much as I could. Some days I could do a 6 hour ride at 4.5 w/kg cruising around for the day, and I did one ride where I broke my 5 min pb in the first hour and then broke it again in the 6th hour, and broke my 1 min power after that (465 for 5 I think it was - I was in good nick). But other days I couldn’t leave the bed. It was one extreme to the next. I got diagnosed with POTS finally last December 2025 which explains how I could be in such good shape one day and such bad shape the next. I was 19 at the time so I have forgiven myself for getting too carried away - but life would have gone more smoothly if I had known better.

Fast forward a few years to now and I generally haven’t been able to exercise. But since Christmas time my symptoms have eased off and over the last week I have done a few rides on the rollers. My last outdoor ride was at the start of June which is the longest I’ve been off the bike since my accident. I probably could have done a few rides on the rollers before now - but to be honest the act of turning the pedals inside at 100 watts doesn’t particularly interest me. Going outside, clearing my head, riding up mountains, getting lost when miles from home, discovering new roads, and all that kind of thing is what I love about cycling. Pedalling in circles inside doesn’t really do it for me on its own.

But at the moment I am feeling relatively okay and can manage a few rides on the rollers. I charged my powermeter up a couple of days ago and was able to see the watts again. Currently no idea what my threshold would be, I wouldn’t be able to safely push myself to the max regardless but hypothetically I don’t know what I would be. I ended up riding at 140 ish watts the first day and 15 ish watts less yesterday. Heart rate was similar both days but yesterday I was a lot more breathless. I was going relatively easy but I was feeling short of breath in myself which can happen with POTS.

So this is when I had the idea to write this.

The first thing I noticed when I charged up my powermeter was that I immediately began chasing numbers. Even though my numbers are utterly pathetic compared to what I could do before! I was trying to push that little bit harder to round up the watts to an even 140 instead of a 136 where I felt comfortable. This is the kind of thing that seems really minor but for me these days my body will end up packing in again if I push the limit. But it's weird that I still want to push things given everything I have put myself through and how arbitrary the numbers are. Before I was 60kg and could have held 360 for an hour if I had to. Now I am 75kg and likely have less muscle mass than I did at 60kg. I was riding comfortably in z2 at 270-280 watts a few years ago and I could literally hold that all day long if I wanted.

So that’s what my numbers were the last time I was training - but in my first 2 rides back I was trying to ‘push on’ in order to have a slightly nicer looking number? I hope that you can see that this is quite stupid and I shouldn’t care about 136 v 140 when I could do double that in my sleep not that long ago. But I think that it's just the way we are wired.

I am going to turn off the power numbers from my data screens but I will leave recording in the background so I can track progress in a few months time. The whole point of this diary I suppose is to just put things into perspective and understand where you are at. For me I have to be so in tune with my body in order to not put myself back in a hole where symptoms flare up again - this will happen again but I can control some things to help myself out. Not listening to my body in the first place in 2022 is what caused all of this for me. So I am a big believer in paying attention to yourself and just pause to listen to what your body is saying to you. It does tell you what it needs a lot of the time, but we fail to stop and listen. It's so easy to chase numbers whether it's power, heart rate, CTL/fitness scores, HRV, weight, sleep, calories, etc. There is so much noise from these things that we skip the main metric which is what our body's are telling us!

Another big lesson I have learned throughout all of this is managing expectations. I can deal with setbacks really well these days compared to before (6 months in bed isn’t as daunting as it would have been before - not saying that my mood is good during these periods but I can get through them). Most of the last 4 years I have been bed ridden between April and November and would be doing well to leave the house and walk 5 mins down the road. That’s kinda been the height of what I could manage. But what has really gotten me down is when the riders I am coaching can’t cope with the slightest inconvenience to their lives, like if they mess up their positioning in a sprint. I haven’t had this experience yet with any of you guys but these things always happen. And I am not saying that you shouldn’t feel annoyed or that you wouldn’t have the right to grill me if you aren’t happy with training or whatever it may be. But looking at the bigger picture and putting things into perspective can really help deal with setbacks.

I have paused the final year of my psychology degree while I get myself back on track but I am quite interested in all of this stuff. I hope that reading this might be able to change the way you view things a small bit. The main thing is to just take a step back, realise that it's pretty cool that I am able to train, race or whatever it may be and be accepting/at peace about that. Yes it would be great if the training was really working and you were getting fitter and faster but at the end of the day these things don’t always work out. I just really try to stress to people that you truly need to enjoy the process with these things as there will come a day when you can’t do them anymore. I really wish that I could have chilled out more and not let minor things get to me that I could have prevented. Cycling is a hobby and most of the time it's really not that deep. Even if you make a living from cycling you still need to enjoy it overall as it's just too hard a sport if you dislike doing it. Nobody enjoys it all of the time and I am not saying that I loved a 5 x 5 min vo2 session - but in the grand scheme of things you should generally look forward to getting on the bike and enjoy it.

It's so easy to get frustrated and constantly want to see improvement. But sometimes life has other plans and dreams don't come through whether you deserve them or not. So it is important to have a way of still enjoying these things even if it doesn’t go to plan. If you can find a balance with that then you will have a good time both on and off the bike in my books. You don’t have to be one of these headwrecking people that are constantly preaching gratitude in every single thing they do - that’s not my point here. Just try and enjoy what you are able to do and really appreciate that. It makes life, performance and results a lot better from my experience.

Note* I am not looking for sympathy here or trying to say that I have it worse than everybody else. A lot of people in this group have had it harder and have overcome some serious health challenges, some people still have a lot of major stuff going on.

These are just some thoughts and experiences. It can make life easier for you if you could introduce some of this stuff into your life though I think!

Hope you have a good day!

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