Couples therapy alone won't save your marriage (DO THIS FIRST)

Most physicians dealing with conflict at home turn to talk therapy (couples counseling, individual therapy etc.)

The problem with this is therapy asks you to talk through painful events while you’re still triggered.

But once your nervous system is flooded, you can’t access any of the skills you’re learning.

Because the skills are stored in your prefrontal cortex, which gets totally bypassed when you are triggered!

So despite your best intentions, you will default to walking on eggshells, defending, shutting down, or ‘explaining’ (i.e.: subtly criticizing/convincing) until the cows come home.

Before you know it, you’re back in the dance. The topic might change day to day, but the pattern stays the same.

Why?

Because you’re bypassing a critical first step –> Nervous System Regulation.

aka » The process of not getting triggered/flooded in the first place! «

By training your nervous system to feel strong emotions without going into fight., flight or freeze…

…you can stay calm under pressure, lead the conversation, and actually get to a resolution, even if your spouse happens to be struggling or reactive in that moment.

This is MUCH more effective, because when you’re no longer getting hijacked by your triggers, you can think clearly and speak your truth while staying connected.

Over time, the people in your life start feeling safe enough to open up.

And conflicts that used to last days get resolved in 20 minutes.

You don’t have to choose between being true to your feelings and staying connected to the people you love. That’s a losing battle.

The better way is to train your nervous system to stay regulated, steady and open - while also speaking your truth. This is what securely attached people do every day.

It took me years and a lot of trial and error to train my nervous system to do this well.

But I’m so glad I did.

Because this one skill then took me from 3 breakups and a divorce by age 31, to now a 10-year marriage I love.

If I can do it, anyone can.

TL;DR:

Stop trying to talk your way (or walk on eggshells) through conflict. It’s not wrong. It’s in the wrong order.

Start first training the nervous system that’s running the show, so you can LEAD hard conversations without going into fight/flight or freeze…

…and come out the other end feeling closer to your partner, not further apart.

Want to learn more? Drop a "yes" in the comments and I'll reach out personally.

On your side,

Kave

P.S: Once you master this skill, you can use it everywhere - parenting, work, friendships, your mom/siblings....it ALL starts with your nervous system.

1 comment