3 signs your nervous system is harming your marriage

In the beginning, things feel easier - you give each other the benefit of the doubt, and forgive quickly.

But after a few years of arguing about the same things and feeling misunderstood, alone and stuck...

Both your nervous systems become hypervigilant. There is less ease and trust. Even small things trigger each of you into anger, anxiety or shut down.

And eventually, one or more of these 3 patterns takes over:

1. Ruminating:

You have a set of specific complaints and painful memories that replay over and over in the background like a broken record, but when you try to talk about it, it just leads to another argument.

You feel stuck.

One part of you says "this is crazy, why am I staying in this marriage/job/friendship??" and another part of you says "maybe I'm expecting too much....maybe it's ME?"

To resolve this confusion, you watch Instagram reels, listen to podcasts, post anonymously on physician FB group, and/or talk to your friends...

...but for every person who says it's them, someone else says you need to get therapy.

So you are back to square one, only now with more static noise in your head.

2. Walking on eggshells, waiting for "the right moment."

You want to discuss something important - maybe an upcoming vacation or wedding, maybe you want to invite some family or friends over that your partner doesn't like, or you're upset that they said they would do x thing, but still haven't.

But you're not sure if it's the "right time."

So you scan their face, try to anticipate their mood, stress, joke and connect first, tell yourself that "it's not a good time when he/she is on service" or "maybe I'll bring it up after the taxes are filed" or "they're dealing with a worrisome pain in their knee, so I don't want to add to the stress."

Except it's been 3 months (or maybe 3 years for some issues) and the right time never comes.

3. Overexplaining your point of view hoping one. more. example. will break through their resistance and help them see the light.

You're in the middle of bath time/dinner craziness and the chaos has everyone on edge. In the midst of what seems like a normal evening, one of you says or does something that hurts the other,

and BAM! The mood shifts.

Snippy remarks, rolling of the eyes, maybe some raised voices....then cold distance.

The tension is so thick you could cut it with a knife.

You're certain that he/she misunderstood your words or intentions.

So you try to explain yourself - once. twice. with different words, a calmer tone...

Everything seems to either fall on deaf ears, or just lead to another tiff.

They tell you they want space, but the disconnection and coldness feel unbearable to you, so you try ONE. MORE. TIME.

Finally, exhausted, you go to sleep on opposite ends of the bed, worrying about how the morning routine is gonna work and if the kids can sense the tension.

The next day you send a bunch of texts, again trying to reconnect by explaining your intentions and point of view.....it doesn't work.

The anxiety feels crushing.

All of these sound like communication problems on the surface. But in reality, they are symptoms of a nervous system gone haywire.

Bouncing between hypervigilant, or shut down.

None of the communication tools will work UNTIL you fix the real problem underneath...

...your ability to << feel and hold strong emotions WITHOUT going into fight/flight/freeze or fawn. >>

This is the missing piece. The golden key. The thing that makes everything else easier...at home and at work.

TL;DR: Want to improve your relationships quickly?

Do things in the right order. Nervous system resilience --> Connection --> Communication.

P.S: I'm building a program to help physicians master their nervous system in 45 days, so they can easily solve conflict without getting triggered or flooded.

If you'd like more info, comment "me" below and I'll personally reach out.

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