May 30 (edited) • General discussion
Stuck
I am stuck.
Stuck in this loop that I’ve constructed myself—for my own downfall. It’s like I want to see myself fall, but a part of me can’t bear to watch. So I’m constantly at war. A war only I know exists. A war that isn’t based on just one thing, but an overall issue—it covers how I view life, my personality, my perspectives.
It’s like I have two guns in my inventory. Both equal in firepower. But when I use one, it makes me want to shoot myself. And when I use the other, it shoots at the reflection of my face. Both are valuable to me. I treasure them. But both come with consequences.
One gives me pleasure—but then turns right around and shoots me in the skull.
The other one burns my hands when I hold it, but it fires straight at the parts of my life that hold me back from who I really am—or maybe who I could become, if I wanted to.
Pleasure is such a fascinating emotion, isn’t it? I love what it gives me, but I hate what it brings with it.
Too many options.
Too many people to give opinions.
Too many decisions to be made.
Yet here I am, still deciding which gun to use.
Even though I know I could use both. Maybe balance them. Maybe one day I will—when I can trust my hand not to shoot me in the skull again. It’s already done that a few times. I still carry the holes as reminders. But even then, I sometimes almost shoot myself again.
How foolish is a human being.
And I know—deep down—I know which option will bring me long-term fruit. But, still... a big “but.”
I get affected by my surroundings.
By people.
By feelings I can’t always explain.
But it’s not enough to make me kill my other half.
So I live with it.
Because at the end of the day—I live the life.
The life doesn’t live me.
*If you read all of this I am very thankfull for your time which you have taken out for it I am trying out if the writing which I do is interesting and helpful for others of not*
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Stuck
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