Skills regression during unmasking, it's a real thing.

After my AuDHD diagnosis at 48, I first felt elated. I finally knew what was 'wrong' with me. But after the relief and research into the 'condition', I started experiencing a slow collapse of my entire constructed reality.

This part felt more than terrifying, it was destructive in a way that had me fearing I had lost my sanity, a psychotic break or two and several times lost the will to live and carry on. The three things that saved me, was my puppy (although, one day I'll tell you about that overwhelm), TRE® (Tension and trauma releasing exercises) and the people around me who have silently stood by me watching as my life as I knew it imploded over an over again. I thank you all. You think I don't notice, but I do.

I find myself rotating through the five stages of grief, denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance, looping through them time and again, as I'm discovering new limits to former abilities.

On top of that, we started accessing childhood trauma as well, and I am still figuring out which parts are Autism traits and which are childhood trauma remnants. Part of the journey I suppose.

The most frustrating thing about the beginning of my process was the inability to cope the way you used to, my threshold shrinks and expands on a moment to moment basis. My ability to focus - SHATTERED!! The emotional overwhelm, immense. The complete dissolution of who I thought I was, to the point of thinking I will never pull myself back towards myself, I was too far gone. It felt like I had a complete memory wipe at one stage.

I struggled with basic tasks that were once manageable, and I am certain if muscle memory wasn't a thing, I would have had to quit my job. I couldn't tell blue from pink or even how to draw a rectangle on the design applications at work. In fact, I'm not certain how I still have that job.

Masking is not simply “pretending.” For me, it was a full-body survival strategy. And I had no idea that I was doing it. They call us chameleons for a reason. I am learning that I masked by suppressing my sensory needs, scripting and rehearsing conversations in social settings, being socially mute, or socially loud, depending on the Dopamine level on the day. I used to be excellent at forcing productivity, that went out the door very quickly. One of those limits I discovered, and is only now slowly coming back online.

I used to override my body's signals, and if it wasn't for the ability to hyperfocus, I wouldn't have made it through a work day. I got home after work, crashed and vegged, had no energy to do anything I think the rejection sensitivity has always been something I was aware of, it only got worse. It does get better. I'm not even talking about people pleasing. Not for today.

I think, through the combination of the diagnosis and TRE® my nervous system started recognising that there may finally be an explanation for my struggles, so sometimes stopped holding the old structure together.

I am learning not to look at this as weakness, but rather nervous system exhaustion. I am learning that my nervous system is hyper-aroused all the time, and that TRE® helps me bring that back to a window of tolerance.

I cannot even talk about the shame this collapse had brought, but when I am ready, I will.

I need to remind myself, every day, that I am not failing. My nervous system is overloaded, it just no longer had enough energy available for compensation. And because of TRE®, some breath-work practices and the occasional yoga, the capacity is slowly rebuilding and restoring energy and momentum that I lost.

I have been discovering, that for years, adrenaline, hyper-vigilance, fear, urgency, and masking powered my functioning. Once I started unmasking, the burnout hit me, and it hit me hard. My body started prioritising survival over performance.

I hit complete shutdown, some days I could barely speak. Noises hurt physically. Decisions felt impossible. My body just started shutting systems down one by one.

It has been both a deeply humiliating, and profoundly revelatory process.

Learning that my body isn't trying to punish me, it's just trying to conserve it's resources. I had to learn to lower the demands I placed on myself, remove sensory input, ground myself (incense and yoga were my winners in the beginning). I am still in the process of learning to pause without self-attack.

For most of my life, I thought healing would come from pushing harder or understanding myself better intellectually. TRE® was the first thing that taught my body that safety itself changes capacity.

First I had to establish safety. That was TRE®, now I am building self-trust and self-awareness. I am not trying to become someone new, I am just meeting the parts of myself that was never fully allowed to exist.

Would you like to explore how TRE® can help you.

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Skills regression during unmasking, it's a real thing.