Sharing my secrets: The Marine who struggled inside
There's always this notion that people in the military are super-disciplined, squared away, and have things figured out in life. But in my experience, that couldn't be further from the truth. In reality? I was struggling inside. When I wasn't in uniform, I felt like I was losing at life. Behind closed doors, I wasn't the man I appeared to be. When I came back home, I'd isolate myself in my own bedroom. 16 hours a day in front of a screen: video games, p*rn, doomscrolling, binge-watching YouTube... I used them as a way to cope from life's problems and pretend they didn't exist. I felt like a fraud. Everyone saw a "Marine", but I knew who I was truly becoming. There's this quote by John Owen, which goes, "what you are in secret, is what you truly are." And it was undeniable that what I was doing in secret was not lining up to the person I was revealing in public. Eventually I got out of the military, carrying this burden even more. I found jobs in the meantime to pay bills, but they couldn't fill the hole that was inside of me. But there was one day where everything changed: On July 3rd, 2023, at 1:30 PM, I was standing in front of a stack of Chromebooks I was supposed to test (for more context, I took on a test technician job for an e-commerce company) That's when I heard a voice in my head. One I couldn't ignore. It simply said: "You were meant for more." The voice felt so real it was like someone was right next to me, whispering it to my ear. And it was exactly what I needed to hear. That afternoon, I didn't just go home to my old devices. I took action. I decided to stop looking for "jobs" and start building a mission. I realized that the discipline I thought I lost wasn't gone—it just didn't have a target. Which led me to where I am today. I walked away from the "safety" of a low-wage, unfulfilling career in July 2024 with no Plan B. Just full commitment. Now, I spend my time fulfilling my purpose. And I no longer need to be ashamed of the person I once was behind closed doors.