How I created a new sense of purpose, belonging and hope in just 3 weeks after years of depression, loneliness and overwhelm

Dec '23 (edited) • All Members Post Here

…. by making small, intuitive choices that felt good and produced magical, unexpected life changing results. I now feel connected to community, to myself and my suicidal ideation depression is gone. AKA Elvis has left the building.🔥🔥🔥

I’m here now feeling totally different from the version of me that was struggling with depression for so many years to the point of willing myself to die.

Whilst I have healed many times over from various depressive episodes in my life before because this has been necessary folks -growing up in terror for my life because of my charismatic but violently traumatised and traumatising Dad is one of those life crazy series of ‘’events’’ /aka my childhood (and I know there are people out there in the world who have it way, way worse than I did also) that can and will, for many of us, carry it’s impact across decades. (Sometimes these themes reappear after appearing to be completely done and dusted, in fact.)

What I can say is that the unconscious has been something of a pandora’s box for me and I've never known entirely what moment will upset the apple cart again or not. We never know what "objects" are hidden in there - until they are awakened as it were.

For those who might judge a powerhouse like myself for STILL experiencing such deep, dark periods of depression, I can promise you that I’ve done a great deal of work on myself...some 23 years actually...from energetic healingd, to psychoanalysis, eft, quantum, angels, prayer, dance and more recrntly life coaching and a series of simple text conversations with various wonderfullife coaches…I’ve done an awful lot. (Thank you for coaching with

@Katya Gor

here and invaluable laser focused text chat with

@Tina Hughes

And I will continue to use whatever I desire to clear the next layer of stuff as it arises….

Please understand that in reality nobody can tell you what your exact healing process should be. Nor can the value of your own embodied experience and CHOICES as a sovereign human being be underestimated. If we want people to develop deepening intuition and self awareness, then allowing people to make their own choices is a part of that.

Which means if you find yourself wanting to make suggestions here, then my counter suggestion and reminder, is that I’m not seeking advice on this post as I sometimes do on others! :)

(Eeek boundaries! Eeek rescuer healer types! I know loves, you trigger this pattern in me, as well! Big hug!)

But rest assured, I do have people that I go to for support and they know who they are. Boundaries, yes, I have them. Please let yourself be ok with that.

Why then am I talking about feeling more excited about life and who cares?

How is it I’ve gone from the kind of depression where I fantasise about dying...to feeling hopeful and excited?

What about the loneliness that I honestly felt might be ‘’the thing’’ that would take me over my edge? (At one point after Mum passed, I was quietly obsessed/aware that I could die alone and nobody would notice m absence for weeks or even months on end!)

What I have done it not especially unusual or revolutionary, but what I have done has felt new and amazing to me!

What did I do then? What steps did I take to activate this transition from hopeless to gobby and hopeful ME?

1. I decided to CONTRIBUTE MORE. So I started a writing group for free and I found women who, like me, were using their creativity to heal and take up more space. It's not just about writing, it's never been just about the writing, as if it's seperate from who we are. Rather, it's about using art to reconnect with the depths of who we are and to choose our narrative, hand picked and nurtured by the brilliance of our mind, creativity, intuition and the spirit of collaboration and bearing witness to one another's quite frankly sacred art.

These women and their stories inspired me so deeply. I felt purposeful, I felt useful - because I was. We were all being brave - we were all showing ourselves and rising to the challenge of being heard and seen again.

2. I committed to writing a solo show again and used the writing group to hold me to account so that writing has become easy.

It became clear to me as I wrote that this show would be a healing activation and a way to launch myself into a higher timeline - a different, new version of myself would be rehearsed then enacted through the spirit of play. And that enactment would in turn remind me of who I came here to be - my purpose and my joy.

And so I began to write a show where I would encourage the audience to laugh at my folly and misfortune as I shared it and to celebrate my 50th birthday all over again. They wld act like a surrogate friend cum family group and wipe out the different ways reality and I blocked me from having more fun, love and appreciation!

3. The main thing I did though was stake my flag in the ground when I declared out loud to my then life coach that relationships would be a priority. That I would prioritize friendship, community.

I said ‘’NO MORE LONELINESS’’ I've had enough, thanks!

And what was amazing to realise was that this decision meant that all the smaller obstacles that had blocked me in the past suddenly vanished.

Because no more loneliness meant also no more letting my disappointments or the challenges of the past get in the way of me starting over again.

And with that, both the decision to run a weekly writing group, Show and Tell was formed as was to the decision to re-start writing and finish my solo show (currently called This Show Might Just Heal Your Nan … honestly, it’s a draft but…!)

These 3 things have changed my life.

In 3 small weeks, I am depression free.

I have turned up at parties and danced for 4 hours straight with strangers and come away with friends.

I have collapsed my identity as the one who doesn’t fit in, to the glorious one who sometimes chooses to rest and sometimes STANDS OUT and helps everybody dance and I get to choose either.

And all this, in turn means that the experience of feeling liked and seen and enjoyed by other human beings has a domino effect on the rest of my life.

It boosts my energy levels, my clarity of mind, my productivity.

My desire to make a success of my business is stronger than ever.

I cannot go back to the caged animal at work.

I'm meant to take up more space as we all are, in an ideal world, in our own way.

Having fun with others of course makes me grateful for being alive, period, end of. This dismantles depression. (Or at least, this is true in my case.)

And of course all of this feeds my vision for my coaching business and even for my performing, creative self who hasn't been on a stage in 25 years let alone written my own show.

Joy and connection helps me envision better for myself.

And of course with this amount of change, I naturally begin to wonder what else can change? And how else might I find solutions in my lap if I have help to tackle the right problem - the one that if I solve will topple all the other ones just below it, so much so that my life will change dramatically in all of the ways that I most desire.

Watch this space.

What I came to know was that I could not be the contribution I came here to be with this seismic hole where loneliness is and where BELONGING and COMMUNITY should be.

Have I reason to distrust people and communities? Uhhhh yes, absolutely.

I have been let down by family, by community - creative and spiritual and therapeutic too. I have been let down by acting teachers, spiritual teachers and more. I have been gaslit by most. Don’t feel sorry for me - I’m not here for that and I’m not sharing for that reason. I’m saying that life can be tough. It’s just how it is.

But we don't give up on ourselves. No matter how small our influence may be in the wider world. We do the work so that we can say we gave ourselves a good shot at life, in a reality that is far from easy.

We keep going. We try again. Back on the horse, over and over if need be. Be kind and loving to yourself, but have courage and discernment too, stand up my love. Don't give up.

(For anyone who is a collapsing moment of their life - I love you, you do you and what you need right now anmoment always feel free to ignore this post! Its not for every season or person and moment in time)

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