Feb 26 (edited) • Friendship 👥
Cicero On Friendship (MVP 🥇)
A friend is, in effect, another self and friendships are "the best and most beautiful equipment for life (p106; p93)."
Cicero's "On Friendship" is THE GREATEST piece of philosophy I have read on the nature of friendship:
BREAKING FALSE BELIEFS (p94): Cicero breaks apart some of the common falsities which we take for granted of our friends, and explains why we are mistaken in believing them:
- "We should apply the same energy to friends as we do ourselves." This is false because "there are many things that we would never do for our own sake, but will do for the sake of friends."
- "Our good will towards friends should match and correspond to their good will towards us." This is false because it "limits friendship to mere equality in actions and feelings." True friendship "doesn't worry about giving more than it receives (...); to contribute more than its share to the friendship."
- "Friends should place the same value on us as we place ourselves." This is false because "it's often the case that a person’s spirit is too abject or his hope of bettering his situation is too broken. It’s the friend’s job not to feel the same way, but to make an effort to lift the other person’s languishing spirit and lead him to a better and more hopeful way of thinking."
CICERO'S LAWS OF FRIENDSHIP:
- "Seek only good from friends, do only good for the sake of friends - and don’t wait to be asked! Be always attentive! Banish hesitation! Be ready to give advice freely! Take seriously the good advice of friends. Be ready to offer it openly, even forcefully, if the occasion demands - and also be ready to follow when it’s been offered (p90).”
- "Don’t ask for anything shameful, and don’t do anything shameful if asked (p89)."
THE FOUNDATIONS OF FRIENDSHIP
- Virtue. “It’s only fair first to be a good man, then to look for another like yourself. With such men it’s possible to have the sort of stable friendship I’ve been discussing, and when they have been united in good will they will take control of the very desires that enslave everybody else, they will rejoice in fairness and in justice, they will always be on the lookout for each other, they will never demand from each other anything wrong or dishonourable. They will cherish, love and even revere each other. Indeed, to take away reverence from friendship is to remove its most precious jewel (p101).”
- Common Interests: In his dialogue, Cicero writes that the essence of friendships is to be in full agreement in priorities, commitments and opinions (p80). “There’s a similar feeling of love that comes into being when we meet someone whose nature and morals are compatible with ours, for we think we see integrity and virtue burning brightly in them (p85).” “Differing habits accompany differing pursuits. Such differences pull friendships apart (p99)."
- Trust: Trust is what secures the stability and constancy we seek in friendship. Nothing is stable if it cannot be trusted, this is why it's "equally important to choose someone who is candid and sociable and emotionally compatible" they are equally affected by the same things we are, "all of these things contribute to trust (p96)."
- Assurance: “It is far from being the case that friendship is cultivated because of need; on the contrary, the kindest and most generous people are those who have the least need of others, thanks to their own wealth of resources, and especially their virtue, which is the greatest source of protection (p92).” Cicero adds that "the more confident you are, the greater your own virtue and good sense, the less needy and more self-reliant you are, the greater success you’ll have in making and keeping friends (p86).”
HOW TO ACT AS A FRIEND:
- You should give as much as you can provide. "If you have an advantage in virtue, or talent or fortune, share it with those closest to you (...) add to their wealth or improve their station (p97;p98)."
- You should give as much as they can handle. "Even if you can provide whatever you wish for another, you still must consider what he can bear (p98)." You can't lead everyone to the top even if you have the facilities to do.
- You should never lie nor deceive. "It's more honest to disagree openly than to feign agreement (p97)."
- You should "always to reject charges brought against a friend by someone else, not even entertaining the suspicion that the friend has done something wrong." Since you are friends with them because they are a good man, you should always be willing to support them.
Aphorisms:
- “I can only urge you to rank friendship above all other human concerns. There is nothing so well suited to our nature, nothing so helpful in good times or in bad.”
- “Although friendship brought us many benefits, anticipating them wasn’t the reason for our affection (p86).”
- “We don’t practise generosity in order to secure gratitude, nor do we invest our gifts in the hope of a favourable return. Rather, it is nature that inclines us towards generosity. Just so, we don’t seek friendship with an exception of gain, but regard the feeling of love as its own reward (p86).”
- Friends "equals in doing favours rather than in seeking their return. In this way there’s an honourable rivalry between them. They will obtain great advantages from their friendship, which has its deep and true origin in nature, not weakness (p87)."
- “A friendship can meet so many bad fates (…) it takes both wisdom and luck to avoid them all (p88).”
- “Friendship doesn’t result from advantage, but advantage does result from friendship (p92).”
- "Surely there is nothing more enjoyable that the exchange of kindness or the sharing of interests and obligations (p92).”
- Friends "are the best and most beautiful equipment for life."
- "A devious and variable mind can’t be trusted, and a person who doesn’t share our feelings and beliefs as if by instinct is unlikely to be loyal and dependable (p96).”
- "Friendship ought to be a little relaxed, open, pleasant and inclined towards every sort of sociability and ease (p97).”
- “We mustn’t have our fill of friendship the way we do of other things. Like a wine that improves with age, the oldest friendship should be the most delightful (p97).”
- “Only a dislikable sort of person holds his services against someone. It’s up to the recipient to remember, and not up to the doer to keep reminding (p98).”
- "If, there is a gradual change of character or interests, or a certain disagreement (…), we must be careful not to gain an enemy in losing a friend. Nothing is worse than going to war with someone you once shared your life with (p99).”
- “Matters of great importance often require us to be separated from our friends (…). In every matter you must consider what it is right for you to ask of a friend - and what you will permit him to ask of you (p99).”
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Cicero On Friendship (MVP 🥇)
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