For a long time, I thought something was wrong with me. I was anxious, an extreme over thinker, constant tension in my body, physically and mentally exhausted and forcing my way through life. I ended up on an anti-depressant and had no idea I needed it. This is not an anti-medication post either. I wish more men would consider the potential for this being a tool to use, than a weakness. Medication helps a lot of people and sometimes it's necessary. For me personally it helped me breathe again until I could on my own. Look back at my own life I realized something deeper was happening underneath everything. My nervous system had been in shock for years. Not from one single event but from life. Living in survival mode from stress that never left my body, and I had no idea how to regulate it. I didn't know that was even a thing. I was constantly adapting to change, suppressing emotions just trying to be what everyone else needed me to be, constantly disconnecting from myself. I lived this way so long that I thought it was normal. You don't realize your body is bracing anymore. You don't realize your mind is constantly scanning never fully resting. Exhaustion had become my baseline operating system. I pushed until I was ready to check out. For me, medication helped quiet the noise, but it also made me realize I had never actually addressed the root. I had learned how to cope. Not how to heal. The deeper healing started when I began understanding the nervous system. Understanding how the body stores stress. How unresolved experiences stay active internally. How emotional shutdown can look like being strong. I started realizing I wasn't crazy and I wasn't weak. My system had simply adapted to years of pressure. And slowly, through awareness, boundaries, rest, emotional honesty, faith and reconnecting to myself....my body began learning safety again from the inside out. That changed everything. A lot of people walking around today don't hate themselves.

Have you ever gotten yourself into a situation only to later ask, “how did I even get here?” “What choices have I been making that led to this point and why am I even making them?” “I’m not even getting the results I’m looking for but I keep doing it anyway.” This is an old wiring system from within running the show in the background of your life. In my experience, I came to realize I was operating on that old wiring system trying to get new results. But something inside me had to change first. There was a problem that I didn’t know how to solve. How could I if I’d never been shown or been aware that a problem even existed? What I learned was the my ego had to die because it was costing me peace in my heart which was being felt throughout my body. I needed help and I was forced to ask for help. Which goes against what “a man should do” because he should just be able to push through on his own. That’s the exact reason why people decide to end their life. Not knowing the problem underneath is actually fixable. For me, it was finding the language to speak for the internal wound that was keeping me bound. It was getting to a place where being vulnerable was the only option. And it worked. My goal is to help other people find a place to land that doesn’t feel like a huge disaster is going to take place if they tell the truth. Because that’s exactly what was given to me and I had no idea how much it would help. If this resonates with you, I would love to talk about it.