That’s the story I’ve been telling myself for the past couple of weeks. I’ve been hiding away and trying my best to nurture myself. All the time though, I’ve had this dialogue going on in my head about how I should consistently post on here and by not posting, I’m letting myself and you lot down. This morning I saw a new therapist, who said “wow, you have a lot going on and none of it is your doing, but you are holding it all”. I take my life and my problems for granted because they affect me and my family, so I see us all struggling. But today I recognised the load I had been carrying, and for a moment I put it down. When I put it down, I felt that lightness and I forgave myself for not being as far down the career path as I’d like to be. I forgave myself for not posting here and I saw that really all I had been doing was preserving myself. In the past few weeks my poor baby sister has broken her leg, Universal Credit are doing a deep dig into my finances, my housing and kids education, I’ve had a lot of pain, and a lot of old wounds have been brought up around addiction. So it’s been a lot. My response to a lot, is to self soothe in the privacy of my home. I thought I was being unproductive and a bit shit. But actually I’ve been healing and that’s what this group is about, it’s about me having the autonomy to heal and to release the pressure I put on myself. Heal with me is inconsistent, heal with me is periods of silence, heal with me is my truth. Thank you for witnessing me 💗

But you’ll see my method and listen to what I’m listening to.

Not deliberately, but I’ve been misunderstanding what I have been doing when I go into a hiatus. It’s not about healing, it’s about me not having anything left to give. My cup hath runneth over! This results in me STOPPING. In real time I’m sharing my healing journey with you and providing you with the insights I have. I have been to see 2 therapists in the last few days and bang! I’m inspired again and I’m active and I’m in creator mode. I’m flowing with life and I’ve stopped worrying. I asked for help and I offloaded some of the shit I was carrying and it gave me a chink of light with which I can see my direction and follow it. Before it was like walking around in a dark cave, tripping over everything and bumping into everything. Being able to see has shown me that I need to offload the shit regularly, not just when I lose visibility. I have to ask for help. I have to pay for help, so I’m not feeling like a dead weight. By paying, I’m not owing anything other than money. That’s big. It helps me to get rid of what I need to, without guilt of being too much. I hadn’t seen that insight until I started to write this. I’m trying hard not to use AI to write for me, because I have been and I lose what I want emphasised. So bear with, as my writing can be clunky, but sometimes it just flows. The good with the bad! This is me! And I’m so happy to have you in my world 🧡