17d • General discussion
We Can’t Make People Love Us Enough to Stay
I used to wonder if my sister loved me enough to stay on this earth.
I questioned whether she cared… whether she knew it would be me who found her lifeless.
For many years, I carried feelings of betrayal, anger, and deep resentment.
Until one day, my perspective began to shift.
My sister was very ill. Her brain was not functioning the way it needed to. After her first breakdown at 18, she was diagnosed with multiple mental health conditions. As a baby, she had seizures. As an adult, she struggled with addiction. At the time of her passing, she was also going through a separation from her husband.
There was so much pain surrounding her life.
I remember feeling angry at everyone.
Angry at my parents—for not getting her help sooner, for not fully accepting the depth of her struggles.
Angry at her husband—for not being able to support her when she needed it most.
And most of all, angry at myself—for not knowing what to do, for not knowing how to help her.
I had already graduated, but I wasn’t yet practicing as a therapist when she passed.
Like so many others, I found myself trapped in the words:
“If only…”
If only I had become a therapist sooner.
If only she had accepted treatment.
If only she hadn’t experienced so much trauma.
If only she hadn’t struggled with addiction.
If only God had helped her.
I was even angry at God.
I couldn’t understand why this had happened.
But over time, the anger began to soften.
Slowly, it was replaced with compassion… with understanding… with faith.
I came to see that my sister was fighting battles that were far bigger than what love alone could hold. Her mind was in a place I could not reach.
And in time, I reached a difficult truth:
What happened was her choice.
Not a choice I would have ever wanted.
Not a choice I would have ever accepted back then.
But a choice, nonetheless.
Holding on to anger only kept me trapped. It distanced me from my family, from myself, and from any possibility of peace.
Healing required something different.
I began to pour my energy into understanding suicide—into research, into treatment, into helping others who question whether life is worth living.
I surrendered.
And in that surrender, I began to heal.
Not all at once. Not completely.
But in layers.
There are still days when anger rises.
But it no longer lingers the way it once did.
I’ve learned that we cannot love someone enough to take away their pain.
We cannot control their choices.
And we cannot carry responsibility for a battle that was never ours to fight.
What we can do… is choose how we move forward.
For me, that meant choosing understanding over blame.
Compassion over anger.
And purpose over pain.
I often wonder how much anger it takes to finally surrender.
The truth is—it takes time.
But I knew that if I didn’t surrender, I would never reclaim my own peace… or my happiness.
And so, I continue to choose healing.
I’m here to create this space with you - tell me more about what brought you here and ways that have helped your journey of healing …
Vane 💜
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We Can’t Make People Love Us Enough to Stay
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Grieving Suicide Loss is a compassionate support group for individuals who have lost a loved one to suicide.
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