You've been here for a very long time. No growth in your journey of life which has forced you to take undesirable actions for lack of self-belief in professional life which has transferred over to your personal life.
Part 1 to growth is accepting that you have failed. Looking at yourself in the mirror and saying "OK, I can do this". You will never succeed if you don't address the issues that have been bothering you for a very longtime.
Part 2 - how da f*ck do we make money?