Ciw Case Study: Letters to Chamieka · Deconstructing with Aleeza

23d (edited) • Whiteness

Ciw Case Study: Letters to Chamieka

Everybody, let’s talk about it

Posting anonymously because this is complicated and I’m not ready for it to be attached to my name.

I’m a white woman. Let’s just get that detail out of the way. I have four children, ages 7, 10, 13, and 16 from my previous marriage to a Black man. We divorced in 2023. The circumstances were ugly and the fault was mine. I’m not here to relitigate that.

After my divorce we had nowhere to go. I packed up my kids and moved into my mother’s house, a few hours from the city we lived in. That was two years ago. My kids are still grieving that move on top of everything else the divorce cost them. They are good kids. They deserved none of this.

My mother has stage four breast cancer and she is dying. I am her only child, so everything she has is coming to me when she passes- my childhood home, money, and other things she’s built up over her life.

I moved in to take care of her because there was no one else to do it, but also because it just makes sense. At the end of the day, she is still my mother, even if we were estranged for years before this. And if I’m being honest, I’d be stupid to not be here making sure everything is handled properly.

My mother is racist. She always has been. She makes comments about my children. She has said things directly to them that no child should ever have to hear, let alone from their grandmother. My father was the same way. He is gone now, but he never hid how he felt about my ex-husband or about my children existing the way they do.

If I’m being as raw as this space asks us to be, my marriage was really my ultimate act of revenge and independence. I knew exactly how much bringing a Black man home would shock and humiliate her. I convinced myself it was this great, sweeping romance, and maybe it was at the time. But honestly, I would never be with a Black man again. I feel like I’ve outgrown that kind of chaotic energy, and I’m just drawn to things that are more comfortable and familiar to me now. My children are here because I was young and wanted to make a statement, and I have to carry the burden of knowing they deserved a better foundation than my youthful rebellion.

To get to the point I am COMPLETELY done. Overwhelmed and out of my depth. The kids are making life a nightmare, getting suspended, staying out all night, and now threatening to go live with their dad. But absolutely not.

His new girlfriend brings a very specific kind of…. I’d say energy? into the picture that I want no part of. It’s loud, it’s attention-seeking, it’s the kind of behavior that turns everything into a scene, and I refuse to have my kids pulled into that. They seem to have a good relationship with her. But I’m still keeping interactions limited. They just weren’t raised like that, and I’m not going to sit back and watch them start picking up stuff now.

I need practical advice on how to make my kids stop being so incredibly hypersensitive and just play nice with my mother until she passes. Yes, she says outdated things, but they are just words. The kids are deliberately choosing to take offense, and their constant need to play the victim is creating a totally hostile environment. They are the ones making this so much harder than it has to be by refusing to just keep the peace.

I know exactly how awful all of this makes me sound, and I know I’m basically asking them to sell out a little bit. I get it, I really do. But they’re kids, and they just don’t grasp that we are talking about life-changing money here. They want their college tuition paid and they want a comfortable life later, but they refuse to just bite their tongues to get it.

How do I get them to just drop the attitude before they completely sabotage their own future? This is all for them! Because let’s be honest, money changes things. In the real world, sometimes you just have to nod and smile and ignore the awful things an old lady says if it means you never have to struggle financially again. I just need someone to tell me how to get them to see the big picture before they blow this for all of us.

_________________

Now here are some questions for y'all in Skool:

Who's comfort matters here? Who's is ignored?

Who's pain matters here? Who's pain doesn't?

What is the price of silence? How much money would it take for a white mother to sell out her Black children?

When we say White mama trauma, this is a prime example.

___________________

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