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Feb 28 (edited) • Sobriety Journey
Sobriety-
TRIGGER WARNING: drugs, alcohol and violence
Updated as I can🥰
I had a very difficult childhood, I did not fully live with my mom until I was 14. Before that I was in and out of foster care and lived with my aunt and uncle who abused me. Fast forward to 14 when I moved in full time with my mother who had just gotten sober from her 30 year heroin addiction. By the time I moved in with my mother I had already tried most drugs except heroin, but I was drinking and doing coke often. I used to have bars on my bedroom windows because my mom was trying to stop me from sneaking out, well I couldn't get out but my friends would come to my windows to deliver drugs.
Up till this point I had not heroin because I didn't want to be like my mom, she failed as a mom, she contracted a life altering disease, she lost everything she ever had. I couldn't see the sobriety, I didn't care I was too hurt from what she had done, the way she left me. When I was a baby I was with my mom in her full blown addiction. We didn't have a home so we slept and lived in a broken down van in a junk yard. I was potty trained on a hubcap. So for my second birthday my mom gave me to my aunt and uncle so that I could have a good Christmas, but she promised to be back in a few days. She never came back to get me. This all has relevance so hold on! So I was hurt, very hurt and I focused on the hurt for a while, I was 14. Then when I was 16 years old so around 2001-2002 my mom was diagnosed with stage 3b ovarian cancer. Within a week she had a total hysterectomy and they basically said they got what they could but there was some in there they could not get. That in a few years she would be full of cancer. At that time, my mother had always been so sick because as I mentioned earlier she had gotten HIV then full blown AIDS by the time I was 6 months old to a year old. I was used to doctors telling me she would die, I was in grieving therapy and everything! I didn’t believe them, honestly I thought she was invincible. Well I asked her to ask her doctors for OxyContin because we could sell them and she said absolutely!! She asked, we picked them up and I was now making money for my family, selling my moms drugs. That only lasted one full month, I gave her money and buy the next month I had nothing to give because I took all the pills. She was really upset, and I moved out. I think it’s also important to mention that my whole life I was hiding my sexuality and who I needed to be.. and that being with men was a way to be accepted in my family.
When I moved out at 16 addicted to oxys I learned things about life really quickly. Within a month I was using heroin, the drug I said I would never do. I used to think that this drug was terrible because it kept my mother from me, and then my thinking switched one day. Now I was thinking what could have been so good, THAT GOOD to keep a mother away from the baby she says she loves so much? So I decided that I would also use the way she did and what she used, I was curious and hurt.
We’re going to fast forward here- I’m 26 years old, still in full blown addiction, pregnant with my first child. I didn’t use for the 9 months I was carrying her and what saved me was cannabis. This will be controversial and frankly I don’t care, I did not use hard drugs while pregnant because of this miracle plant. I have my daughter and immediately start using again and it seemed like I didn’t miss a step. Now at this time I was no longer using heroin all the time I was mostly using pills because it looked better.. so my addiction told me. I was not happy in my relationship or with my life. The only purpose I felt I had at that time was my baby. Everything in my relationship was falling apart, so naturally we decided to have another baby. One last chance, the toxic shit. Once again I stayed sober for my pregnancy but this time my son was born with pyloric stenosis and needed an emergency life saving surgery at 2 weeks old. I was on suboxone during this time so that I could make clear decisions, still to this day I thank myself for that decision! Once my son was doing better a year later I was back to the pills and even worse this time. I remember that there would be nights that I would lay in bed with my children crying all night because I didn’t wanna wake up and take pills and go through the cycle again, but I knew I would. I wanted to get sober so bad but I was so deep I didn’t know how. I would just cry and cry looking at them because I knew that I wouldn’t be there for them one day.
When my son was 10 months old I caught the charges that changed everything. I had the option to not go to prison and stay home with my children by taking New Jersey drug court for 5 years. From the time I was put on the program when my son was 10 months old until he was two I was faking drug tests, finally got caught and drug court sent me to inpatient rehabilitation at integrity house in Newark, New Jersey. I spent a total of two years in the impatient and Halfway house. that time away was very important because during that time I was able to discover myself find myself understand myself learn how to try to begin to love myself. A lot of things changed over the course of those two years.
By the time I got out of the Halfway house, my children’s father had taken custody from me because I was impatient somewhere and I had nowhere to go. So I moved in with my mother who was by this time very sick with her illnesses. I had become her full time caretaker. Her cancer had spread to so many areas. The one thing, only thing that helped my mom was cannabis. She would smoke and be able to eat, take rso and feel better for hours. When she couldn't smoke anymore I made her butter. This is why I advocate for this plant!!! It is a miracle plant, the only plant that we have a whole system for in our bodies, the endocannabinoid system. My mom had died in 2022 and I knew i wanted to work with cannabis.
During the time that I was taking care of my mom, I was working a lot on myself, and I discovered yoga and meditation. I spent this time got a few certificates, really studied the philosophy and tried to apply as much as I could. Up until that point not much had made sense to me regarding religion or spirituality and this seems like a whole door was opened and I could see more clear.
I’ve been sober now for nine years and a lot of things have changed. My children are back in my life on a daily basis. I can provide for them love them be the mother that I need to be be there for the practices and the games and the ups and downs all of it! I can do all this because I got sober💜 I’ve been working in the cannabis industry for nearly 3 years and I have learned so much. Each day I’m learning more and honestly I love what I do. My dream is this group. My dream is combining cannabis, yoga, meditation, and sobriety, and just being there for those who have questions about spirituality or sobriety. I know they’re sober people out there who use cannabis and are able to maintain their sobriety because I am one of them. Thank you for reading. Thank you for being here.!!!
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