lost soloist · Build Yourself

lost soloist

So started falling off the routine when the big rewrite was happening so came back and did the evaluation and to no shocker it came back as a soloist. so half of the week one assigment start done.

OBS, long read!

And then i fell back on the problem i have had since i started this 60 something days ago, alongside this group i have been using "breaking the habit of being yourself" by Joe Dispenza to work on the mental part with meditation and disconneting some of the feelings from memories blabla. it was going well, meditad each morning, and followed the setup of reinventing myself by figuring out what was actually bothering me so much. The "problem" started in the part 7 of the meditation practice which is exactly what the evaluation and post eval task is:

Who do i want to be??? I do not know...

a little backstory:

I am born in poland, polish parents lived there for 5 years
we moved to germany(berlin) when i was 5, went to school and integrated well. at least at the level a polish person could at that time 1988 until 1998. polish were as welcome as mexicans in the us are these days.
family and i moved to Norway when i was 15 to a small town of 1500 people, learned norwegian ok first year, second year needed to go to school in another town so lived 5 days a week in a shared flat with other students for 3 to finish high school or whatever you call it when you are 16 to 18 in the us.
moved around a lot in norway, lived in 3 other cities and countless moves in between.

general theme is i always needed to adapt to my surroundings, figure out culture, language people, customs and so on.

was never a guy who planned but acted on opportuneties, chose a path through school because my friends did, at 18 I started to choose a bit more for myself, but still surfing and jumping at interesting stuff. had several big changes in life which i did when things got really bad, i changed myself to improve or adapt to new reality.

what i am getting at that i have never really spent time figuring out who i want to be, i just adapted. a chameleon to blend in, only stand out to attract females.

past 8 years i worked one job and of those the past 4 has cost me a lot, i turned into a terrible grumpy angry cunt because i could not handle the guy they put in charge. i smoked weed everyday morning til late. I finally got out, but a lot of my perception of myself was tied to the postion i was holding and what i believed would be my future until old. so complete crash in april. coping with weed and dopamin reels until i started here, got clean have a good record of staying off instagram and doing the routines, until last week. not sure what happened. but consitency suffered.

Biggest push to start here was wife telling me she wants to separate, my inconsistency was making her feel unsecure about us. weed made me unpredictable.

task now also is a bit overwhelming, i do not know who i want to be, i know i want to grow old with my wife if that is still possible, and besides that i am clueless on where to start.

thanks for reading and if you got any pointers, suggestions i am all ears. hard to start a process again when i stumble on the first task.

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lost soloist