A nightly reflection. · Build Yourself

A nightly reflection.

Most things in my life feel like a double edged sword.

I give everything to my family (wife - 5 kids) they love me so much, 1 week ago I worked three jobs (I want to make sure they have everything they need), my kids cry before I leave and beg me to stay it breaks my heart to leave, (2 years ago we were homeless for 9 months, and we had our fifth child in a caravan), due to our rental being renovated and then declared unfit to live due to asbestos and the landlords special doing it on the cheap,

Now we have a 4 bedroom house and I was finally able to finance a car that will last us more than 6months (we went through $17k in 2 years on cars alone), this was due to my triple income but had no time for my family and even when I was home I was burnt to the core.

Last week I was ment to start my new job that was the equivalent of my 3 jobs combined, a standard 9 to 5 and I could provide the finance and time to my family, (my wife broke her leg unexpectedly) I lost that job and have all the time and zero finances now 😅 I took a leap and damn a leap it was.

I'm now sitting down in the quite my wife and kids watching a movie together in a house that is permanently messy and a 12 seater car that can cart our family of 7 and their friends, (I know I can't make the repayments next month... We might be homeless again... We might have no car again... In the back of my mind Im thinking I'm 29 looking at possible bankruptcy and not sure if I can take care of my kids... Inside I'm full of panic... Dread... And well hope somehow)

We have always made it, we have figured it out every time, but also I'm in my dream situation I have a house for my kids, I have the car I've always wanted, and the family I've always dreamed of and yet it's crushing me all my dreams and hopes have come true but my mind is stuck on I can't even hold my dream it's sliding through my hands like sand.

But in this panic I keep flipping the coin on one side is if end it all I'll be free ( a very stupid thought... Also I won't do it but if I'm being real it's there) the other side of the coin is (Damn I'm so fucking blessed to have all these beautiful things I've wanted ever since I was a kid I fucking made it, I get to clean a house that my kids play in and have no worries, I have a partner that stands by me and even though I'm so fucking exhausted to even show her I appreciate her she's here, I have a vehicle that can take us on the adventures of a life time... I just want to appreciate the time I have right now because I know it's great... Quicksand made of gold 😝)

I hope all those out there struggling can hold onto hope even if it feels like a single strand like mine right now don't give in... (Also a message to myself)

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A nightly reflection.