Is this an addiction or a profession?

My name is Will I've been playing poker for 20+ years and working in and around poker for the last 13 years. I've met people that have made millions playing the game of poker and I've met people that used the last of their mortgage money as their last buy in on a 1/3 table.

I've recently taken a hiatus away from poker to do some soul searching. Just like many before me and many after I torched my bankroll in November/December and lost most of my savings. Over 33k gone in a span of 2 months trying to "get it back".

In the midst of losing all that money and living in chaos I felt nothing, at times I felt at peace. I struggle at times with a purpose of playing. As a poker professional that floors and runs tournaments on the outside looking in I try to stop people from going off the deep end and losing their last. I just don't have enough discipline to do it for myself.

I've put my "10000 hours" into learning this game and I know the professional side of it. I need to figure out if I have an addiction to choas and losing or do I want to learn the discipline it takes make the turn and play under control and become a profitable player.

If anyone else feels the same then you're not alone it's just hard to admit these things out loud.

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