Lifelong Battles · Blssed Influence

Lifelong Battles

These battles, these plagues have swarmed around me like vultures too a soon to be carcass...at least that's what THEY want right? It seems things have gotten harder for some reason I can't see and that bugs me way too much and yeah I've grown a whole lot too especially these last few 6-7 years. I should give myself more credit and give God more glory for such things but I always fail at that.

I used to have a lot more problems, issues that I later conquered thanks be too God, like how I used to smoke...he led me through that it was hard like trying not too chew on your own tongue, whilst bearing this insatiable hunger kind of hard. There's always another battle and I would say I'm tired but I'm over that...I'm just sick of it and yeah I know everyone is that's how it works I get it. There's so much to write...so much too confess...so much to just let go of. I've never really been able to find much room for myself in church communities, just never really seemed to...fit in I suppose as many times as I've tried and yeah a good chunk of it is because of myself and my bull-like stubborn fervor.

I'm grateful and even when or if I can't say I am I try to find the most room too be, I've opened up too God more than probably ever in my life but most days it just always seems 'off' like something about it is amiss. I could always read more, could always pray more, could always talk to him more...I could even always make more room to just sit in his silence as he does speak through silence not yell through storms. I mess up all the time and I never just let myself walk away with it not ever, not even when I was little. Some people say "well your merely human" but that doesn't change anything, I always seem to botch everything up even when it's not that big of a deal and I kick myself harder than anyone could kick me back for it...or so it seems.

I don't know how to just sit not like this it's one thing to be patient and sit in a 5 hour holdup at the DMV and something entirely different to spend years working on yourself and always feeling like your coming up short or maybe it's better to phrase it as coming up too short and so I recite Psalm ch. 23 to the best of my ability, "The Lord is my Shepherd, I shall not want for I have all that I need, the Lord maketh me lie down in green meadows and guides me besides peaceful streams" at least the first bit of it.

I don't know how to balance things I need to get done and spending time with God, walking with God actively. I always get distracted so easily but I try to hold on to him even its merely the hem of his garment, the words fall off the page, I have a 100 million different thoughts running through my head, and then I just end up staring at the wall or something 🤣 progress is progress and I've still got a long way too go, it just seems like I can never grasp it 'well enough'. And I don't like prophets probably for the same reason old people don't like doctors or why young folks don't like cops...same stubborn routine but I have too listen to them because maybe just maybe God is trying to say something too me as it is written "put all things to the test" (I can't remember the excerpt word for word).

I just always feel like I'm floating no matter what I do, if I focus on God then literally nothing else comes to mind but if I focus the world then the same phenomenon occurs it's annoying because I know there is a balance someway somehow I just haven't found it yet. I tried reading every morning I'd study in the morning then I'd read at night but it just didn't stick so I switched to a more flexible approach and even began resting with the Lord too. Not sure what else to say right now though I do know every plan I make fails, crumbles and I always want to hope it's him that lets it happen like protection but I'm still lost and most days it doesn't seem like I've got much too show for my efforts over the years.

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