When Pain Enters the Marriage Bed · Blended Family Momentum

Mike Baker

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Jun 8 • Marriage and Faith

When Pain Enters the Marriage Bed

Here is an issue that a lot of couples are living with, but very few feel comfortable talking about.

Warning! This one is real and raw and hits close to home with many blended and non-blended families.

Your church wont talk about it and your elders will push it aside.

But we must bring it forward to find Gods path.

Sexual discomfort after menopause is real, as is the Pain with intercourse.

Men cant begin to understand the dryness, burning, irritation, and fear of pain.

This is not a wife “being difficult.” This is not a husband “being needy.”

This is a marriage dealing with a body that has changed.

But here is where couples find trouble

Painful intercourse and sexual abandonment are not the same thing.

One involves wisdom.

The other can become quiet neglect.

Research backs up how serious this is. In the CLOSER survey, about 30% of North American women and men said vaginal discomfort was the reason they had ceased having sex altogether.

Another CLOSER report found that 69% of women and 76% of male partners reported avoiding physical intimacy because of vaginal discomfort, mostly because of concern that sex would be painful.

A UK-based survey also found that 42% of women with vaginal discomfort reported making excuses to avoid intercourse, and 60% said it affected their confidence.

That is not a little problem.

That's a potential marriage problem.

And here is what's interesting.

I could find numbers showing how many women avoid intimacy.

I could find numbers showing how many couples stop having sex altogether.

But I could not find solid numbers showing how many couples adapt by moving toward other forms of sexual contact, affection, or non-painful intimacy.

That matters.

Because the question is not simply, “Can we still do what we used to do?”

Sometimes the answer may be no. and thats ok.

The better question is,

Can we still remain tender, honest, affectionate, and sexually connected while we figure out whats changed?

Scripture does not treat the body like it does not matter. A husband is told, “So husbands ought also to love their own wives as their own bodies” (Ephesians 5:28, NASB).

That means if her body is hurting, his love should not become pressure. It should become protection.

Scripture also does not treat marital intimacy like it doesn't matter.

Paul says, “The husband must fulfill his duty to his wife, and likewise also the wife to her husband” (1 Corinthians 7:3, NASB).

That does not mean selfish demand.

It means mutual care.

Mutual responsibility.

Mutual tenderness.

Mutual honesty.

So both things have to be true at the same time:

A husband must never pressure his wife into pain.

A wife should never silently bury intimacy and leave her husband guessing.

Silence is where damage grows teeth. The kind of teeth that tear apart a marriage bed.

A wife may be thinking, “I hurt. I feel broken. I do not know how to talk about this.”

A husband may be thinking, “She does not want me anymore (rejection) and I dont know how to talk about this.”

If neither one speaks clearly, they both start writing private stories of their own.

Those stories are typically wrong, and rarely kind.

This is where covenant love has to grow.

A couple may need to talk to a doctor. They may need to discuss hormones, or other medical options. Medical help is not un-spiritual. God made bodies, and sometimes bodies need help.

But they also need to talk.

To each other.

No accusation.

No shame.

No jokes.

No cold withdrawal.

A husband can say, “I miss being close to you, but I dont want to hurt you.”

A wife can say, “I still love you, but something has changed and I need help.”

That kind of conversation may feel awkward, but awkward honesty is better than distance.

For blended families, this matters even more. Many remarried couples are already carrying baggage from former marriages, parenting stress, stepfamily wounds, rejection, exhaustion, financial pressure, and years of trying to keep the peace.

Menopause can put pressure on a part of the marriage that may already be fragile.

So let’s say the quiet part clearly.

Don't let pain become distance.

Don't let pain control the narrative of your covenant

Pain needs compassion.

Distance needs conversation.

Marriage needs both truth and tenderness.

The goal is not to pretend.

The goal is to remain one flesh even when the body, the season, and the marriage bed require wisdom.

“Live with your wives in an understanding way” (1 Peter 3:7, NASB).

That one verse may be the whole assignment.

Understanding is not guessing.