On Intimacy (Blog Post)

How connected to your wife are you, dude?

If you have young kids like I do, I can tell you that intimacy, in any capacity, is incredibly difficult.

As guys, when we think of intimacy, we're probably going straight to the idea of sexual intimacy. I mean, even Paul knows we can't control ourselves in that matter. His suggestion in 1 Corinthians is to get married so you don't "burn with desire".

What do we do when we're burning?

We try to put ourselves out, yeah?

If we are disconnected from our wives, we can be tempted to "put ourselves out" in some destructive ways.

Enter pornography.

Seemingly harmless, pornography offers instant gratification to quench that burning desire we have.

But porn is not harmless. It's actually incredibly destructive.

Having instant access to countless sexual acts on display for our pleasure is no different than attending an orgy in Greek or Roman cultures back in the day.

Sure, you might not be able to physically touch these women, but the images are being ingrained into your mind and your heart, twisting your view of God's design within marriage and bringing in corruption to your sex life. Not to mention, you are totally screwing up your dopamine and reward systems in your brain.

Any of you have daughters?

Those women/girls you see on the screen are daughters. Some are not on that website by their choosing, either, which is absolutely devastating to think about.

But along with that, some of these women are mothers and wives, and that is another devastating sin in itself to witness. Another man's wife. Goodness, Lord help us.

Now, I'm not sitting here all pious and looking down at you.

I'm alongside you in the fight and I've succumbed to that temptation more times than I'd like to admit.

Understand this: You can view porn and get a watered down, corrupted version of one of the greatest blessings we have in the physical world, or you can abstain from this destructive act and reap the rewards of self-control and blessings from the Lord for your marriage.

I highly suggest having an accountability group; several guys who are looking to avoid porn all-together and support each other in the abstaining from lust.

When you know you have to report in on your actions, or hopefully lack thereof, you will be strengthened to abstain from porn, and find freedom from its hold on you.

Now, back to intimacy.

There are four types of intimacy that I believe exist, so let's check that out:

Emotional Intimacy
Physical Intimacy
Spiritual Intimacy
Intellectual Intimacy

At its core, intimacy is about closeness, connection, and a sense of being truly seen and accepted by another person. It requires trust, vulnerability, and time to develop and deepen.

Emotional and Physical intimacy or the two we typically focus on for marriage.

As men, it's easy for us to bypass emotional intimacy and go straight for the physical, but in reality, the emotional component is the pathway to the physical.

Your wife has needs just like you do, and everyone is different and has unique needs.

I have a friend whose wife is very physical and needs a lot of physical touch. Seems like a blessing, yeah? For him, I know that it's a burden, almost. Too much of a good thing, maybe.

More often, especially when you have young kids, our wives are stressed and "touched out". They have emotional needs that aren't being met.

On top of that, there may be deep seeded issues embedded from previous relationships, abuses, or even childhood traumas that can lead to intimacy issues in your marriage.

Support your wife emotionally is not only an investment in your needs being met, but we must look after our wives in such a way that is self-sacrificing, that puts our needs last.

Like most things in God's Kingdom, it's paradoxical, it's upside down. When our sacrifice becomes evident to our wives, when our love is unconditional and not an act to just "get some", I believe the Lord does something in all of this to unlock the intimacy we all crave, our wives included.

Your wife needs security, comfort, support, and requires your leadership. She doesn't want to make all of the decisions. And I can tell you that she definitely doesn't want another child to oversee and micromanage, that child being you.

If you want deeper intimacy with your wife, then put her first. Serve her, support her, lead her well. Yes, she is called to submit to you, but that submission doesn't mean obey. It means to follow your leadership with discernment, not with blind obedience.

From my experience, the best thing I ever did was stop trying to win her over by manipulative acts of service to try to be rewarded physically, but to pray for a servant heart, wisdom and leadership in my marriage, and to love her truly like Christ loves the church - sacrificially.

This is hard to do, but thankfully, we have a helper in all of this. Tune your heart and mind to the Holy Spirit. Be like Jesus. Get in the Word. These things are a prerequisite to intimacy with your wife.

Intimacy and my marriage grew so much when I pursued her heart more than her body.

And there's nuance in all of this, too. For my wife, she needs to have fun. She needs space to forget about the stresses of raising kids, housework, and her job (which I would love to one day be able to retire her). Fun, for her, is a game night with friends, or an "adventure" to experience something outside of normal life (like a trip to nearby town to explore the landscape, or visit unique shops).

God knows what you need, but he wants to shape your heart first. He cares more about your sanctification and looking more like Christ than getting your needs met. He'll provide for you, but he will also discipline you through suffering, and sometimes we suffer through patience.

You may not have issues in this area. You may be blessed with a fantastic sex life and deep connection with your wife. I pray that's the case.

If not, then know this: it's not hopeless. Pray for your wife. Pray for intimacy. Pray for connection. Pray to be the man that not only she desires, but that God desires you to be. Everything will fall into place with time. I believe it. I've seen it.

After months of spotty physical intimacy because of stress, kids, illness that kept coming back throughout our family, my wife and I were blessed with a fun night with friends.

Side note: My wife and I have been together since we were 11 and 12, so there's a lot of history there I can share at another time, but I definitely understand the ins and outs of intimacy in marriage.

We have routine date nights and get together with friends fairly often, but this was different. The Lord definitely had his hand on it.

After we got home, with no talk about sex or anything of the matter, my wife says, seemingly out of nowhere, "Hey, I know that we have been distant when it comes to making love lately. I'm aware of it and I'm sorry. I just want you to know that I know what you need. You've been patient and haven't made me feel guilty for not being in that space lately. I promise things will be different moving forward."

I share this, not to say how awesome my wife is, although she is, but how awesome God truly is.

He hears our prayers. He knows what we need. If we will just set aside our own strategies and motives, and trust that he will brings us to place that we so desire if we only pursue him and pursue our wives wholeheartedly, he will give us the intimacy we, and our wives, so crave.

Okay. That was a lot.

I'd love to hear your thoughts.

In Your Corner,

Ryan

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