Hello guys. I noticed a desire that feels really stuck with me is having social popularity. Ever since I started prioritizing myself, integrity, authenticity etc., I’ve felt disconnected from a lot of family and friends. Before, I would be the social butterfly, getting along with anyone and everyone, but subconsciously I would always put myself beneath whoever, which probably is the reason everyone seemed to enjoy my company, but no one really respected me. This all gave me an illusion of self esteem, which is now an empty hole in me. This desire of social approval is still stuck with me. I want to seem popular and socially «high-value», regardless of how superficial I Know it is, especially towards women. I base my self esteem on my influence on others. And I’m consciously aware of it, and know somewhere it doesn’t align with me anymore, but I’m still holding on to this very tightly some where.

I have so much love to give but no one to give it to. What can I do to fill this void I feel? And I also want to learn how to love thyself so any tips will help because most of the times I think love and a whole idea of a relationship really scares my nervous system I think it's because of the condition of love that I was brought up with and uh I want to battle this is fast as possible love this feels so foreign and scary to me

Does surrendering also mean to stop managing/monitoring others’ perception of me? Even family and close friends? I think if I stop trying, I will become less nice and polite. I like the idea of this anyway, but essentially you have to be okay with being all on your own (I know I won’t be, but still, it’s a fear).

Can someone try explaining surrendering/letting go in a way that just breaks it all the way down? I read books and hear people talking about it, and every time I sense that I’m starting to surrender, I eventually realize I’m not fully surrendered at all. Perhaps more surrendered than previously, but I keep getting stuck in thoughts that judge my reality in negative ways. I’ve also chosen solitude heavily this last year, as I feel I’m not ready for society anymore. I tell myself I’ll go back to societal ways when I’m in a state of love and abundance, which I get the taste of in very short doses from time to time. Then I think to myself that I’m attached to being surrendered, as I don’t want to live externally until I feel a certain way, which seems counter-intuitive to surrendering. It’s really hard for me to heal when I’m always with people, as I’m way more relaxed by myself. Then again I crave human connection.

Hi my name is zümra. Currently in my life I quit antidepressants and the anger that was dumbed by over 2 years just came back I get angry and sad very quick i realized that i’m not calm at all and my nervous system is absouletly cooked. My therapist once said that i have similar patterns with borderlines. Then she just stopped seeing me. I got dissappointed several times from friends lovers and therapists but i still trust and rely on people very easily and get manipulated. Sometimes i think that there is something wrong with me that everyone can see but me. And i think thats why they always get away from me. I dont have any friends and ı dont know how to get one without making myself smaller than i am. I always get rejected by people. And if i dont go talk with them nobody comes and talks to me and when they do that ı get nervous and fck it up. ı ve been trying to build confidence but still people dont come near me. I dont attract but push people away. Its my beliefes and childhood patterns that ruins me. ı just feel hopeles.