Brothers — Most men are remarkably good at driving around wit the check-engine light on. Even though we know better. We see it. We know something needs attention. But we push through it. We’ve got somewhere to be. People who are depending on us. There’s work that needs to be done. So we keep driving. Matt Beaudreau and I got into this during our Patriarch Preview on Monday. As men, we tend to be mission-oriented. It’s a gift to us from God. It’s a superpower. A man’s strength is his gift to the world. To his woman. To his children. But we can become so narrowly focused on A mission that we miss out on THE mission, and we ignore what’s happening to the very things that make the completion of our mission possible. And that blinking warning light can come from anywhere. Our body. Our marriage. Our finances. Our relationship w/ our kids. Our work. Our anger. Our temper. Our energy or lackthereof. Our faith — or hopelessness. You know something isn’t right. But it isn’t catastrophic. At least, not right now. So — we suck it up. We’re “good”, we’re “fine”, we’re “alright.” Those things — to a man — mean “I’m mission ready,” even if we’re bleeding out. When your woman says those things, you know they’re an outright lie 😆 and that you should pay attention. Most of us are bleeding out — even if it IS just a little bit at a time. The check-engine light is on, and we keep driving. We keep grinding. And then the lights start flashing. We start getting dizzy. And something breaks. And here’s the biggest problem when you’re a husband, a father, a leader: You’re not the only person in this vehicle. When dad breaks down, everybody eels it. That’s why something else Matt said MATTERS: Be brave enough to be curious. Not afraid. Not ashamed. Not in need of overhauling your entire life today. Just brave enough t look under the hood. Just brave enough to stop the bleeding. FIELD WORK Where is your check-engine light right now? Self? Your health? Marriage? Your money?

When we're young we talk a lot about finding the “right woman.” Someone who's beautiful. She's fun. She understands us. She supports us. She makes life better. She makes us happy. And then we get married, our relationship grows, and discover something that surprises us. This woman is going to resist us. She doesn't always think like you. Sometimes it feel like she NEVER thinks like you. She won't always want what you want. Especially in bed. She won't respond the way you think she should respond. She'll have emotions you don't understand. Needs that interrupt your plans. Standards that expose where you've gotten comfortable. And parts of her that simply refuse to be the way you want them to be. Good. Because she's your beneficial adversary. One of the great gifts of marriage is that, precisely. Resistance. Think about training. Muscle doesn't grow because nothing pushes against it. It grows because it encounters resistance and is forced to adapt. Marriage does something similar. Her resistance exposes you. Your impatience. Your selfishness. Your need to control. Your inability to communicate what you actually mean. Your tendency to withdraw when things get uncomfortable. Your need to be right. Your fear of her disappointment. And then marriage gives you somewhere to practice becoming MORE. More patient. More truthful. More courageous. More empathetic. More capable of staying present when another human being isn't giving you exactly what you want. That's why I think we get ourselves into trouble when we assume: “If our marriage were better, there would be less friction.” Maybe. But some friction isn't evidence that something is wrong. Some friction is the work. The goal isn't to eliminate the resistance. It's to persist through her feminine resistance with your heart still open. FIELD WORK Think about one recurring point of resistance between you and your wife. Not the catastrophic thing. The ordinary thing that keeps showing up. Then ask: What if SHE isn't the problem I need to solve here?

Brothers. Our Patriarch Preview with Ryan Michler is up. There’s one story from this conversation I haven't been able to shake. Ryan talked about being a kid in Boy Scouts. There were different male leaders around him. And even as a boy, he knew... There were men who were strong. Capable. Disciplined. Men who appeared to have their lives together. When those men spoke? The boys hung on their words. They wanted their attention. They wanted their approval. They wanted those men to think they were doing a good job.... And then there were other men who clearly weren't taking care of themselves. Their lack of discipline, of embodiment -- it was perceived by the boys. Their words didn't carry the same weight. That's confronting. Because our children are picking up the same things in us. Long before they can articulate why — they're watching. How you carry yourself. Whether you keep your word. Whether you can control yourself. Whether you're competent. Whether you do difficult things. Whether your standards apply to YOU, too. And they're forming an answer to a question they may not even know they're asking: Is this a man worth following? Is this a man worth modeling? Being Dad gives you authority for a while. But it does not guarantee respect. And it does not guarantee that when your son is 16, 20, 30 years old and needs the counsel of a man — that you're the man he'll seek. If he doesn't find something worth following in you, there will be no shortage of other men willing to become that example. For your son. For your daughter. And they're not the ones you want. That's what I haven't been able to shake. WATCH / LISTEN 🎙️ If Your Kids Don’t Respect You, They’ll Find Another Man to Follow | Ryan Michler FIELD WORK Don't ask: “Do my kids listen to me?” Ask something harder: “If I weren't their father, would the way I live make me a man they'd want to follow?”

Truth: Familiarity is not intimacy. Remember when you first met her? You’d stay up until 2, 3, 4 in the morning talking. You wanted to know everything. What she believed. What she feared. What she dreamed about. What happened to her when she was twelve. What made her feel alive. You were curious about her. You wanted to be in deep. To know the depths of her soul. Then life happened. Work. Bills. Kids. Laundry. Schedules. Stress. And somewhere along the way, the woman whose soul you once couldn’t get enough of became the person sitting next to you on the couch— while both of you looked at your phones. Two trains running on different tracks. Hardly a shared adventure. That’s how the roommate phase happens. Usually not through some catastrophic betrayal. But through a thousand tiny withdrawals. Not because you’re bad people. Not because “it’s just what happens” in a marriage and “we all go through it.” But because under stress, we fall back into our patterns. We protect. We cope. We withdraw. And two people who still deeply love one another can slowly begin coping in isolation, beside each other instead of facing life together. Here’s the thing: You already know how to pursue your wife. You did it before. Maybe the work isn’t finding some revolutionary new marriage technique. Maybe it’s becoming fascinated by her again. Tonight: Put your fucking phone down. Sit beside her. Touch her. And ask: “What was good today?” “What was hard?” “What’s going on inside of you right now?” And then— don’t fix it. Don’t give her a strategy. Don’t tell her what she should have done. Listen. Ask questions. Be curious. Maybe she wants your help. Maybe she just wants to be heard. Like you did when you first met and couldn’t get enough of knowing her. Question. No shame. ➡️ When was the last time you were genuinely curious about your wife? Not her schedule. Not what the kids need tomorrow. But HER. Find out something about her tonight that you didn’t know yesterday. // Fight for the union.

Good day; Patriarchs. Taking my foot off the gas today. Had two conversations this week that I’m still chewing on. Ryan Michler on raising kids who eventually choose the standard when Dad isn’t there. Steph Allen yesterday on money, provision, faith and what we unknowingly hand down to our children. There’s a LOT coming out of these conversations. And I’ll be dropping the raw recording from one below. But I’m curious about you guys: What’s the ONE area of family leadership you feel least equipped for right now? Marriage? Money? Fatherhood? Faith? Leading yourself? Drop it below. 👇