It drives me but destroys me. Sorry i been gone yall these last 10 days been spent in my head

The evil forces that be want to see you stalling from doing anything you are passionate about or that can help you improve. I feel like the word devil is better replaced by “the evil”, makes u see it as less of a character and more of a concept We personify things because we are people. But We can also just let things be, because we are beings. Things will always test you, regardless of how well you are acting. The world will always add baggage for you to bring The the evil will always have a distraction to keep you stalling And god will always have a new challenge for you to keep growing. I just got baptized this Sunday and i feel like the next day the evil forces that be are already sending things to clog my mind. The reason i started thinking what led me to writing this is because of one of those distractions. But instead of letting it clog my mind i am choosing to recognize it for what it is. For how futile getting caught up in any one thing over something better is.

Sometimes it feels like all u need to bounce back from a burnout is a sleepless night leading to a active morning. I can’t count how many nights i done wasted in a doom scrolling hell just to snap back into myself the moment the sun rises and revitalizes me. Sometimes i go through the darkest parts of my mind at night, fighting demons and shit, just to feel like a reborn angel off the sleep deprivation high when its like 7-10 am But this is a inebriated state, sleep deprivation is not healthy and is equivalent to being drunk. It the vice that sustains me/tears me down when im sober I find myself living some of my best days off no sleep tbh. I don’t hesitate to do i just execute. I probably created this skool in tht state. This week Ive felt like shit. Like the inconsistency creeped back up on me and i gave into all the habits i was doing good by avoiding. But i didn’t relapse on weed, i just spent too much time scrolling my mind away to the point it made me not wanna exist. I know im too hard on myself n tht issa type of self sabotage, i let myself slip down slippery slopes off minor mistakes. But i can control these breaks. Im proving that to myself. I want whats good for myself

I didn't feel like posting today. And all the notification from new posts to other communities that i can't turn off make me wanna leave them but i don't wanna stop supporting the friends i got on here by leaving. I wish the settings on this app where better

Today I felt myself sinking into my couch watching TV and dodging my phones notifications. One of the most frustrating states that I can be in, start like that and end after a week of the same thing. Gradually upping the need for cheap dopamine until im also scrolling between YouTube shorts, Instagram reels, and TikToks while the tv is playing something. I recognize how this starts. I don't want to fall into the same trap. I think I spent today slacking because starting tomorrow I have classes, a passport renewal, and a 2nd round of interviews. And I have no idea how it's gonna look yo balance all the responsibilities and still make time for muay thai consistently. I sense the burnout inducing routine coming. A lot of busy days. on top of all this im on day 8 of 21 doing prayer and fasting. I was fasting from sun up to sun down which i changed today to overnight, from 9pm- 1pm the next day. I also wanna start tracking my calories. There's alot on my plate while there's little on it at the same time. . Idk, i think im just venting atp... Ur old habits sneak up on u and im just trying to dodge it and break the pattern some how. Looking at the bright side, at least im sober