Dear Fire: While it may hurt and burn as I walk through, I will not allow you to burn my soul. You have came to take away my childhood, cause me to experience trauma and abuse, take away my home, my car, and even separate me from my children, came to cause divorce, racism at the job, periods of unemployment, but through it all, its burned shame, burned the guilt, burn the low self-esteem, burn the mental health issues, and shaped me to be strengthened in adversity. It has also caused me to rededicate myself back to the Lord, knowing that its my control or my will. The burning in the fire is not loss, but a win in Christ.

Faith that doesn’t flinch. It’s a reminder of when this period of losses began and I had fear that things won’t turn around. I wanted the situation to change immediately, and knew God could do it but never trusted to the point of if he doesn’t. I was fixated on change. The study taught me to trust no matter what. That is something I’m going to have to learn and build more of, standing in the fire and not waiting on water to put it out, no matter what.

As I mentioned in the Day 0 study, I am currently in my season of losses; homes, career, car, etc. If I had to be transparent in the moment, I have felt abandoned by God through this season many of times. I have asked myself, where are you? And why is this happening? I have had panic attacks and nights of worry. Reading the scriptures in the study, reminds me that my feelings are not fact, and that in fact, He has always been there. So my prayer is that even though I may feel abandoned and alone, You are always with me and have not allowed it to get to the point of hunger; still providing even as we rebuild.

Since I am new hear Im starting with Day 0 journal and decided to do this openly. I have had many losses, from our home, car, and even job opportunities. To answer the questions, Im joining this challenge because somewhere I may have moved away from God, which caused all my losses. Im not sure what God is trying to teach me, maybe that he is the provider of all things and not to rely only on my own might. I want to trust that God will restore what has been lost but am afraid to let go control and that I my current situation is permanent. Being abused as a child and not having that protection I have always been in control (at least I believe). I am believing in total restoration like he did Job.

Most of my adult life I have endured pain. Whether, emotional or physical, It was a huge part of my life. I was diagnosed with an autoimmune disease at 21 years old. It almost took me out. I’ve recently been dealing with a back injury that limits me. As I’ve grown in Christ, I’ve learned that there is purpose in pain. Although I don’t have all the answers, scripture helps me make the choice to look on the bright side… In Phil 2:14, we are told to do everything without complaining. In fact, Romans 5:3 says rejoice in our tribulations. It’s easier when you realize God is ultimately in control and working out even the bad for the good. Why? Well, one of my favorite scriptures is Roman’s 8:18 which explains how our current suffering isn’t comparable to the glory which God plans to reveal in us. I look forward to the promise of heaven where there will be no more pain or sorrow. Scripture also reassures me to know there is purpose to be found in my pain according to Romans 5:3-5 where it's says "…patience, produces experience and experience produces hope..." Our job is not to just “go through it” but to “grow through it!” I'm still believing for full healing. I believe God will make me whole. But for the record, I will still praise Him if the thorn is never removed from my side. To have a "Not my will, thy will" bottom line always because in 2 Corinth 12:9, Apostle Paul was reassure by God that His Grace was sufficient. My confession is "Though He slay me, yet will I trust Him" Job 13:15 remembering It is Gods will that we give thanks in everything according to 1Thess 5:18 Hallelujah anyhow!