I am struggling with I think the central concepts that are talked about by Aaron. I don't understand how to do deal with the paradox of everything, it's not even particularly easy to articulate, at least for me. Think about it, almost every YouTube is how to get this thing that you want love, relationship, abundance, and the answer is essentially the same. Do not want for things, let go of absolutley everything, literally stop giving a shit about everything and it will come to you, but you have to do it genuinely, which means that you have to essentially kill the person inside yourself who was motivated to click on the video in the first place. What is the point of getting things that you do not want, that seems some sort of hellish existence almost. Pretend that the thing we all wanted was food and not all the "extras" So if you are not hungry automatically literally platters of all the most delicious food, (Really think about the things that will make you salivate) But the second you actually find yourself salivating or having an appetite all the food just disappears. Doesn't that just make us all Tantalus from greek mythology and essentially make life a bit of hell. Should we all just be essentially shaving our heads become monks on some mountaintop somewhere. I mean we still have to show up every day and live our lives somehow. If i took the "I don't give a shit about anything" to the absolute extremes. Then....why not be a couch potato and never do anything and waste away, why show up at all. or why not kill myself because why the hell am I even on the planet what is the point? Where is the balance? What exactly should be my motivation for anything if the answer seems to be that one should have no motivation at all. This type of stuff really, really hurts my brain.

I've mostly lived my life in isolation, lots of bullying as a kid and just really unable to build any kind of good social circle, lots of physical health and pain problems which made getting work very difficult. My life has felt very stagnant, just marinating is in a cesspool of misery and feeling that no matter how hard I try, I am like like a car stuck in snow, spinning my wheels and going absolutley nowhere. I am a musician who started at the age of 9 and have become very very good, my only audience really has been my inner critic, made worse by a perfectionist parent and a very mean and strict piano teacher. No matter how good I have gotten at playing and the skill I have accquired I have always been very harsh with myself. I am in my 30's, I have finally found the courage to get out there, I have gone to a bunch of open mic nights and performed. The reactions have been amazing, people really love what I have to offer, I feel like I truly have a way forward in my life. I am getting to see that the world out there is not as harsh and terrifying as the one that I have built up in my head. I just realize that I enjoy being a showman, I love showing off, exciting the crowd pumping them up, showing off my versatility, playing different instruments, doing different vocal impressions, being flashy and I love that people are enjoying it and having a good time and when people approach me with jaws dropped and responses of "holy crap that was amazing" I drink it up like a thirsty man in a desert. I feel like all the feedback I get is a punch in the face to my inner critic's mouth and the nightmare that I have built up in my head. The idea of letting go and detattaching seems to be in conflict with all of that, it seems to suggest that it's wrong of me to soak up the positive feedback and validation because I shouldn't care what others think and it shouldn't affect me. I don't understand how to reconcile all this, If Detachment is the "right" way Why is it Being alone, not being involved and wishing to be invisibe from the world has made me feel nothing but miserable and nearly suicidal but actually getting involved and getting all the good feedback is bringing me back to life and making me feel like I can actually do this thing and exist in the world. @Aaron Doughty