Ever notice that your arguments are reruns? Same opening lines, same middle, same ending. There's a reason, and once you see it, you can't unsee it. It's called Karpman's Drama Triangle, and it has three roles: Persecutor, Victim and Rescuer. Here's how it plays out. You said you'd be home at five. It's gone seven, and you didn't call. You walk in, and there they are: "What time do you call this?" In that moment, they're the Persecutor, and you're the Victim. So you fire back: "I've just walked through the door, you haven't even asked how I am." And look at that, you've swapped. Now you're the Persecutor. It escalates, gets louder, and someone storms off. But it doesn't end there, does it? Twenty minutes later, one of you goes back to smooth it over, the Rescuer, and gets "well, it's so typical of you", and around the triangle we go again. If you look at the scripts of most soap operas, this is all they are. Persecutor, Victim, Rescuer, rotating for decades. The scriptwriters know something about us. The way out isn't winning the argument. It's recognising the game and refusing to play. The moment you can think "hang on, we're in the triangle", you've already stepped off it, because you're watching the pattern instead of being caught inside it. Which role do you slip into most: Persecutor, Victim or Rescuer? Be honest. Most of us have a favourite, and knowing yours is half the battle.

You will find this story in the anger management course, but I actually remembered it incorrectly. OMG, guess what, I am not perfect. The true story is really based on a TV advert first for The Guardian Newspaper. I added the video below for you to watch. My memory said... Years ago, there was a famous newspaper advert (actually a TV advert first) , and I've never forgotten it. Opening shot: an old lady walking down the road, arms full of shopping, purse balanced on top. Next shot: a skinhead. Shaved head, braces, big boots. And he's running straight at her. Everything in you says mugging. The advert was cut deliberately to make you think it. Then the camera pans out. Scaffolding is collapsing above her, and he's running to push her out of the way. He's saving her life. Here's the point. We don't see people and situations as they are. We see them through filters, built from everything that's ever happened to us. Someone's tone of voice, the look on their face, the way they're dressed, and we've decided what's happening before anything has actually happened. Psychologists call it projection. I call it getting the wrong end of the stick at speed. And a lot of anger starts exactly there. Not with what was said, but with what we decided it meant. So here's this week's experiment: next time you feel the heat rising at something someone said or did, ask one question first. "What else could this mean?" The driver who cut you up/off might be rushing to a hospital. What if the text from your partner with no kisses might just be someone busy. When did you last get the wrong end of the stick?

Quick one today. Everyone has a reliable trigger. The one thing that gets you every single time, even when you know it's coming. For some people, it's being talked over. For others, it's being told to calm down (a personal favourite, because it has never once in human history worked). Traffic. Being ignored. A certain tone of voice. The dishwasher was stacked wrong, apparently. Mine, after 20 years of working on this? I still feel it when someone dismisses something I've put real effort into. Knowing your most reliable trigger matters because a trigger you can name is a trigger you can see coming. And a trigger you can see coming loses half its power. So, comments open: what's the one that always gets you? No judgment here, and I'd bet money someone else shares yours.

It's true. Nothing. And before you think "well, it's easy for the anger management guy", let me tell you why I can be so confident. It's not because I don't have buttons to press. It's because I've worked out what I'd lose. My career. My reputation. Probably an arrest for assault. When you're clear about what's at stake, the maths changes. So here's the question I ask everyone I work with: what's at stake for you? Your relationship? Your job? Time with your kids? Most people have never actually written the list down. They feel the cost vaguely, in the background, but they've never looked at it in daylight. And it's the daylight that does the work, because next time something kicks off, part of your brain remembers the list. Try it today. One minute, pen and paper: "If I don't get control of my anger, I could lose..." What's on your list? Share one thing in the comments if you're willing. I'll go first: for me, it was everything I'd built over 20 years.

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