I think one thing for me is where someone falls on the introvert/extrovert spectrum. I don’t necessarily need someone who matches me in that way. Emotional intelligence is huge for me, but I’ve also come to realize that women can sometimes operate on a different level emotionally, and I don’t think it’s always realistic to expect a man to naturally process or express things in exactly the same way. It’s less about expecting him to already have it all figured out and more about looking for it in other ways. Like if he’s patient, willing to listen, open to learning, and I can see that he’s genuinely trying, I can accept that he may not be the most emotionally expressive or emotionally intelligent person. Effort and self-awareness go a long way for me. Same with finances. I’m willing to accept someone who may not be exactly where I’d ideally want him to be financially, as long as he knows how to figure things out and has that drive to build. I don’t think I’d compromise on the mindset of, “I’m the provider, and I’ll figure it out" but there’s definitely some leeway in the actual circumstances. For the right person, I’d be willing to help along the way too..he just probably wouldn’t know about it until much later. I think the difference for me is that I can accept where someone is right now if I can see the character, mindset, and drive that tell me where they’re going. I just can't accept someone who's overly passive about everything for example. But I'm realizing my non-negotiables are basics and the rest is more nuanced. But honestly, i don't know if I'm dreaming about this being a thing in the getting to know each other phase or something you work on post-nikkah, but emotional safety of feeling comfortable showing up as I am is huge so as long as there's effort in listening, wanting to create that safety, trying to understand me, then I think that's support important. Not sure if this really answers the question but that's where my head's at

@Habibatul Aulia I love how you summarized what I was trying to say so beautifully that it gave me tangible ways to go deeper with the vetting (I’m sleep deprived right now lol so apologies if I’m not making sense). But I’m just trying to say, Jazakallah Khair for your answer, it was super helpful lol

@Samira B you said what I was trying to say so perfectly! It is through knowing Allah that we understand that we cannot control anything and this dunya will be full of trials

@Habibatul Aulia Ameen ya rab! Ya honestly this perspective shift has been huge because in the midst of it all, I didn’t know how to have tawakul but it wasn’t that I needed to have control, it was that I just didn’t know who Allah is because I hadn’t worked on that relationship Subhanallah

They exist. Don’t settle for mediocrity. Get educated on what marriage is meant to be in Islam and how to go about it in a way that is pleasing to Allah. Get to know Allah and trust that what is meant for you will come your way! We think apps are the only way but Allah isn’t confined to one way. You can spend years on apps thinking that’s the only way to meet people these days and then next thing you know, you meet through a friend or family or randomly. The important thing is to just take a step in any direction and ask Allah to guide you every step of the way!

@Rashieda Isaacs may Allah guide you every step of the way inshallah

I’m introverted too and it takes a while for me to open up but when it comes to marriage, I put myself out there and allow myself to grow with every person I meet. I look back at where I was when I first started meeting people and where I am now, and I’ve learned a lot about myself through this process. Get clear on why you want to get married. On your boundaries, your non-negotiables, etc and through that process, you’ll get to learn a lot about how to get out of your shell and meet people. And come up with a plan of how you want to go about this. A lot of my anxiety stemmed from really not knowing what I was doing. The Muslim marriage lab is helpful if you don’t know how to go about this. Or you can also check out the resources on mindful muslimah’s YouTube. It really helps to know how to navigate this phase in life. May Allah put ease in this process and may he guide you every step of the way

@Rashieda Isaacs I feel you. May Allah surround you with friends and a future spouse that see you and give you the space to open up and be at ease.

@Samira B yess to all of this!

I don't even know where to start. This journey was filled with anxiety for me. Now it's filled with curiousity and KNOWING that Al-Wali is protecting me. Another huge part is having a system about how to go about all of this. I had absolutely no idea what I was doing so just having clarity on how to go about it is huge. I still didn't work up the courage to speak to all my family so we're all on the same page, but I've made some progress on how i'd like them to support me. Right now, I'm still weary about apps just because I haven't talked to my family yet and as @Mindful Muslimah says, no more swimming for me. I think 98% of the people I would match with would eliminate themselves by the sheer ask of them going through my family and that in and of itself is protection! Still working on questions and turning my non-negotiables into better questions but I've gained more clarity on what I want and how to go about that process. And something huge, it's very freeing to see someone who's not a match and not hesitate to say no from the beginning even when that person is putting in the effort. I never looked at mismatch of timelines to be a misalignment from the get-go but it tells you a lot about how serious a person is in their marriage search. Also, if a 2 months ago you would've told me that I'd want to get my family involved from the get go, i'd think you're crazy.. It literally felt like Allah held my hand and walked me through the process - which is literally a du'a I made. I now literally have zero desire to do things that don't please Allah in all aspects of life and yes I'm human, but the awareness of doing my best to always please him is everything