For homework number 7, I wrote down that my child self (whom I tend to experience as being between 8 and 12) felt sad and not enough. I didn't want to be here. My young child self already had sexual shame, sexual interest, and a fear of being touched. My young self didn't feel safe expressing desires - boundaries and things he wanted/wanted to do. Apparently being able to choose his own clothes was a big deal to my younger self. Which is interesting, as an adult I have never enjoyed clothes. On any given day I am wearing a random assortment of random second-hand things friends and community members have given me. Prior, I would just wear the same thing every day, I would wear shoes until they had holes in them and just about everything else. Right now my thermals were a gift from a coworker. My pants were a gift from my sister. My shirt was a gift from a friend. My jacket was a gift from another friend. My socks and shoes I bought, which was a break in pattern for me. I prefer being barefoot and have been able to be barefoot most of the time for the last few years due to my lifestyle and what I do for work, and this summer I needed to take a regular job which inspired me to buy toe socks and three pairs of barefoot shoes because I feel better with that footwear. My younger self really wanted to wear costumes and wants me to wear costumes... which I guess is another way of saying I have been becoming increasingly aware that I have a sense of style I've always ignored and want to wear period and other exotic clothing everyday that most people would only wear on Halloween. I've never celebrated Halloween. In the days since I've also recognized that I feel shame and the need to justify my relationship with touch. I greatly desire touch. My child and even adult self did not feel comfortable with touch with most people, which meant I was very needy with those few people that I felt comfortable touching, my father, my sister (who have their own issues with touch) and basically girlfriends. On the flip side, I do a lot of dance and somatic practices and feel like I have to apologize for the fact that I am often frigid even with lovers when it comes to touch (basically with most people if I don't feel I have all the power I don't feel safe and can become frigid), and so that's most and feel the need to apologize for that and for the fact that at times I just feel overwhelmed by touch due to various things from my past - both early childhood and in adulthood.

Is energy or thought transmission real because to there is no scientific evidence of it. If we imagine a particular person talking to us, would he feel that energy?

I very much connected with the Somatic Breath work Session, it was fascinating. How soon can I try it again, is it recommended to do it twice in a few days?

There were a lot of takeaways from the breath work. Victor's sessions always hit as hard or harder than 5gs of mushrooms. And what I feel like sharing was a less transcendental/Christ-consciousness or dramatic moment. At some point my legs were in a butterfly with my knees a low as they normally go, which isn't low. And then my pelvis let go of something that's been there since I was very small and they dropped several inches. If you know, you know. The morning after I still feel altered on many levels, despite the comedown. Actually... I'll share something a little dramatic, too. Forgive yourself, people. Other illusions of Maya aside (such as separation from love/God, scarcity, and the illusion of death) that's what really matters. Forgive yourself. For the things you "think" you did, and the things you "think" "other people" did. (It's all you.) I forgive you. There is nothing you can do on Earth that makes you unlovable, unforgivable, or deserving of separation. I say that as someone who experienced sexual abuse as a child. Whatever petty thing you are holding onto that you think makes you unlovable is nothing next to that, and that is still something less than cosmically damning. It's nothing. I forgave her a while ago. I am her. As Jesus said, "they know not what they do." And "what you do to the least of you, you also do to me." It's just shadows on a cave wall.

Bleh.