If someone asks me, “Why don’t you drink—are you an alcoholic?” I’ll say: “I’m a nondrinker.” If I’m alone with the person and I feel like elaborating, I’ll say: “I don’t do anything I like in moderation.” If for some reason the questioner deserves to know about my past, I’ll say: “I used to have an alcohol addiction.” If they respond, “Oh, so you’re an alcoholic,” I’ll say: “An alcoholic has a drinking problem. I don’t drink and I don’t want to drink.” “So you’re sober?” “No, I’m perilously high on life.” “Wouldn’t you be higher if you had a drink?” “My feel-good chemicals are already maxed out.” “Well I’m drinking, so you should drink.” “Nah, drinking sucks.”