I know I said I was ready to change. I know I said I wanted things to be different. But I do not know anymore. I'm tired of all the self-help/dating content, all the therapists, being on medication, getting no sleep, never eating enough, hating myself, wanting to break a mirror when I see myself in one, being seen as a failure by my relatives and friends, losing people, and being a bore. That's the worst part of it. I'm nothing but a big, sad bore. I can't decide if I want to live anymore. I'm flunking school, my classmates do not like me, and my professors are even worse. I can never focus, I can never relax, and I can never get anything done because of all these heavy emotions and regrets and anguish that I'm in. Yet for some reason, I crave success. I crave driving on the open road with people going to all kinds of cool places, making memories, and leaving everything behind. I crave falling in love, being successful, and being happy, but it all seems out of my reach. I constantly see all the people my age getting into relationships, graduating from school, and getting jobs. I know it's comparing, but there's nothing else that I can do. I'm also tired of all the phony advice I get, like "love yourself" or "focus on you," or any shitty sayings that don't do shit and that are empty. It's like bandages for a bullet wound for me. I know what I want to do and exactly how to do it, but I don't have the energy for it. But it seems like when I see someone having something I want, I go right back to having that same problem. I'm also tired of my parents pretending like it's nothing that they're participating in my trauma, and all of a sudden, they want to do family stuff. It's an insult and a waste of my time. I think what I hate the most is just how people act around me or think that they can treat me or talk to me like I'm a baby. It's like they see through me and they think, "I wish I were hanging out with another person instead," whether it be girls, guys, relatives, or strangers I sometimes dare to talk to. Every night, I cry my eyes out to sleep because of just how my life has turned out. I wish I were someone else. I wish I were charming, witty, funny, and laid-back. But I'm not. I'm a paranoid, enraged, envious, devastated, distraught, lonely, fat, anxious, addicted, and complicated mess. And I don't know how to get out of this hole I'm in. I'm seeing a therapist on Tuesday, but I don't know where to start. I've spilled my guts out in the past, but I've gotten nothing in return. I'm stitching myself back up over and over and over and over. I wish I could quit school, pack up, move out to the middle of nowhere, and get away from my life. I'm miserable, and I feel empty, cold, and dead inside. Nothing brings me joy anymore. I can't remember the last time that I felt happy. I'm running out of patience and energy to turn things around for myself, and the light at the end of the tunnel gets smaller and smaller and smaller. The urges do not stop, the anger does not stop, the nightmares and the dreams do not stop, the memories do not stop, and the flashbacks are still coming. The tears keep falling, and the voices get louder every day. I'm at the end of my rope. As the post says, I don't know what I want to do with my life. I don't know how to bring change in my life, and I don't know what to do until I see this therapist.

Hey, friends. Hope all is well with you. I had a question. So I’m tryna put on some muscle so I can fight better. I’ve been going to the gym for almost a year and I’ve seen little progress. I’m still in the same body and it’s frustrating. Is it because I’m not eating enough or I need creatine in my system?

Hello, Stunt-mans. Hope all is well with you. I was wondering if I could share my workout plan and ask for some critiques because I haven’t seen progress still. I was also wondering if I should invest in creatine.

Hi, guys! This is me in studio earlier this week. I had a major setback with my workout routine since taking an unexpected trip back to the US last month for family business. Last week I started training calisthenics in the park again with a group of hommies. So this is where I'm at now. Still have a long way to go, but feeling stronger than the past month. 💪