Every day I spend time thinking about how much easier it would be if I was not here anymore. It is only the fact that I will I act on that impulse is why I am still here. Existing this way is exhausting. Sometimes I wish I had the courage to go through with the dark thoughts. Sometimes I think the longer I am still here just gives me more reasons to justify ending it all. This is a miserable existence.

I was talking to a good friend of mine and he told me that the best way to get over my past is forgiveness. When he said that I got a knot in my pit of my stomach and the thoughts of not wanting to be here came rushing in. It is just a word that triggers a intense feeling of sadness, and I don't know why or how to move out of it. I do not want to hate or hold a grudge against anyone, but some of the wounds cut so deep forgiveness feels impossible. Even worse when it is my siblings. If they were on fire I would not piss on them to put out the flames, and I do not like that I feel that way about them. It is especially tough this time of year as in 2023 and 2024 Thanksgiving and Christmas did not happen for me. No tree, no presents, no family. This year will be different, I am spending the holidays with my girlfriend and her family, but I am really missing my daughter who has not spoken to me in over two years. I am hoping that creating new positive memories of the holidays will help me move on.

Lately, the day-to-day struggle has been overwhelming. I’ve been dating someone I care about for over a year, and I’m currently living with her and our two small dogs in her condo here in Wisconsin. But last night something hit hard: she got upset about my job situation and everything I still need to do. And the truth is, I’ve been battling something I don’t know how to fully explain. I struggle with task paralysis. When too many things are added to my plate, or when someone keeps telling me what I should be doing, something inside me freezes. I’ve even learned there’s a term for it — pathological demand avoidance — where the more pressure I feel, the harder it becomes to take action. My girlfriend is a planner. A micromanager. She means well, but when she starts going over my “to-do list” and adding more items, my brain sends out a panic alarm. I feel the anxiety rising, even though I’ve gotten very good at hiding it. She keeps explaining why I should have no excuse not to get things done… but that only makes it worse. I know what I need to do. I know the steps I need to take for me. But sometimes it feels like the more pressure I get, the more I shut down. And that’s when the dark thoughts try to creep in. Not actions — I’m completely safe — but the “Why bother? Why try? Why am I here?”kind of thoughts that come from feeling overwhelmed and not good enough. The truth is, life has hit me hard the last few years. I lost my marriage, my home, my family, and my career identity. I’m trying to rebuild. I’m starting over. And I’m doing it while trying to find a new career after 20 years as a data engineer — a field that has changed so much that I feel like a relic sometimes. I haven’t updated my cloud skills, and I’ve been out long enough that rejection feels like the only thing I’m being trained for. I can’t control who calls me for an interview. I can only control the applications I send. But every application feels like another chance to be told “no,” and that wears on you.

We just released a brand-new course inside the Classroom called Breaking the Fear Cycle. It was created for anyone who feels stuck, overwhelmed by fear, or held back by old survival patterns. This mini-course walks you through: • why fear feels so powerful • how your nervous system reacts to perceived danger • how avoidance keeps fear alive • small steps that help your body feel safe enough to take action • how to build confidence through gentle exposure and self-trust Just like all courses here, it’s free, self-paced, and built in bite-sized lessons so you can move through it without pressure. To find it, click “Classroom” in the top menu, open the course, and move at your own pace. Take your time, breathe, revisit lessons as needed. There’s no rush here. If fear has been holding you back from the life you want, this course was made for you. You are capable of more than your nervous system currently believes — and healing begins one small step at a time. Let us know if you check it out. We’d love to hear what stands out to you along the way.