Day 912. Two and a half years clean. And today? Today I want to use. There. I said it. You’d think at 912 days, these thoughts would be gone. You’d think after building a whole movement around keeping going, after making thousands of bracelets, after getting my dream job at the country club, after watching fireworks with my son, after hosting coffee every single morning at 7 AM - you’d think the cravings would just disappear. But here’s the raw truth nobody talks about enough: Recovery doesn’t mean you never think about using again. It means you know what to do when you do. I have no idea why today feels different. Nothing catastrophic happened. I didn’t lose anything. Nobody hurt me. I’m not hungry, angry, lonely, or tired. Sometimes the demon just whispers, and today it’s whispering loud. But here’s what’s different between day 1 Lynn and day 912 Lynn: Day 1 Lynn would’ve already been on Ravine Street. Day 912 Lynn is sitting here writing this post instead. Day 1 Lynn thought cravings meant she was failing. Day 912 Lynn knows cravings are just thoughts, and thoughts can’t make me do anything. Day 1 Lynn was alone with these feelings. Day 912 Lynn has this whole community, morning coffee at 7 AM tomorrow, a fiancé who loves me, a son who texts me every day, and three more kids I’m fighting to get back. Day 1 Lynn thought using would make the feeling go away. Day 912 Lynn knows using would destroy everything I’ve built and bring back ten thousand times worse pain than whatever I’m feeling right now. So yeah, I want to use today. But wanting to and actually doing it? Those are two completely different things. I’m not going to use because: ∙ I’ve worked too damn hard for this ∙ My kids deserve better ∙ Owen’s five-minute hug at Dylan’s wedding meant everything ∙ 300 people are wearing bracelets I made this month alone ∙ Tomorrow morning at 7 AM, people are showing up for coffee who need to see that you can have a tough day and not pick up ∙ The version of me that gets high doesn’t get to watch fireworks with her son