I choose to be the woman, business owner, mother, wife and daughter that gets things done, even if it means I will be seen. I am leaving behind the pattern of rationalising my fears as believable excuses. Intentionally keeping track of my progress. Set daily tasks for the next day and tick them off every night. To keep myself accountable for my growth moving forward.

Life would look really sad and unstable. Still moving from pillar to post with my family as we wouldn't be able to buy a home for our children. Constant stress and worry because we would still be living a life of struggle and survival. Stressed about our youngest sons futures as bithe of them we almost be in matric. I would still feel like I am letting my family down by not fulfilling my purpose in life. I would be missing out on my own personal growth and development. Missed opportunities for my kids. Not be able to create special and memorable moments. Just the ability to enjoy life and live life to it's fullest. Disobedience would rob me of the life that was promised to me by God. My husband, my children and my mother would be the ones paying the price with me and it's not what I would want.

So for the past 3 days I stopped doing the 7 day interrupt. Allowing myself to shift back into that side character role. Stepping back again as things are coming to the end. So I see that I have determination, persistence and deep down I feel I know what I need to do. Because I decided I cannot slip back into my old patterns again. Starting something that can change my life and then quitting close to the end. It's like I sabotage myself so that I won't be able to start building that 2.0 version of myself, my new life. Stopping me from getting that successful, accomplished and fulfilled feeling I want to achieve. I have to remind myself everyday that the work that I am doing on myself is important. My brain automatically tells me that this is a waste of time, because so much time has passed by and I haven't seen any success in my life or business I started two years ago. So today I'm deciding to commit to my business 100%. Show up and do what needs to be done with no excuses and learn how to navigate around distractions.

The voice and pattern stems from my mom because that's how she lived her life. My father was a very educated, well respected and very seen person. Everything she was not. So she always played small to fit into his circles. Their friends, family, colleagues. And even though he is passed away over 30 years she stayed in that mindset. I now see that is how I have been doing the same thing. Always playing small to make other people feel better or good about themselves. Making the choice to stay small in my schooling, my career choices, my life partner even in the way I'm raising my children. I would always just be the fly on the wall nobody sees. Always being part of the pact but never stepping up to lead. Always a side character and never the main character. Because that way people wouldn't be able to see my weaknesses, flaws or inadequacies I may have. So then people won't be able to see or say I don't deserve more/better. I would like to have the belief that I can have the life I am dreaming of because I am capable of achieving it because I am brave, a strong woman, hard working and most importantly I DESERVE IT.

As long as I stay here I never have to face people judging my business I am trying to build. As long as I stay here I never have to fear the friction I might create in my family (husband, sons and stepsons) I have built up for the past 16 years. This is literally costing me everything. I lost my job almost two years ago and because I cannot help my husband by contributing to the household we are busy loosing everything we worked for all these years. We've already lost both vehicles, and busy loosing our home. My time is mostly spent wasted. Because I spend my days dreaming and planning the life I want to have instead of doing something about it. And this is holding me back from becoming the version of myself I so badly crave to be. Staying small is costing me everything. My time, money and pushing me backwards on life. STAY SMALL IS HOLD BACK THE 2.0 VERSION OF MYSELF.