This isn't my story, but something I read a few minutes ago that connects to yours: When I was really depressed, something that really helped me was the following question: What if there’s nothing I could ever do to get rid of depression? Actually, never; not by killing my body, not by reincarnating, not by going to a higher dimension of being, not by enlightenment, not by any means. What if the way that I feel right now, debilitatingly depressed, lonely, victimized and unhappy—would be with me for all of eternity? Doesn’t seem like a very optimistic question, but something shifted when I asked myself that question. I suddenly got freed up, because all my energies were deluded into thinking that I had to change what is, that I had to fix this depression and I surely wasn’t succeeding. I realized: “If no matter what I do, no matter what workshop I go to, no matter what meditation I apply, no matter what friend I talk to, no matter what change I make in my life, if I were to have these feelings exactly as they are, depressed as fuck for all of eternity… then I would simply stop caring about these feelings.” Suddenly there was bliss, there was the elevation of being free, of not caring, simultaneous to the depressive feelings, which obviously didn’t last very long after that. The feelings, the bodily sensations, the depressing thoughts were still there, but I realized the way out was to quit the game altogether; not to try to win the game. Quit the game. And by quitting the game I mean giving up your care, the value, the meaning that you give to how you feel. Find that switch where you are courageous enough to stop caring about how you feel. Who cares how you feel? It’s just a feeling within awareness that’s going to change. It’s going to come and go, is going to do what it does. What if you just let it be, give it back to life, stop obsessing over how you feel, then see what happens in your awareness? What if for 24 hours straight you just wouldn’t care about your depression? What do you think would happen to the depression?