It's 8.12 am and I haven't slept at all. I've surrendered to my addiction keeping the suffering alive and trying to make myself believe that this is what I want. That I'm having fun. And the more I do this, the harder it gets to get sober. I'm in a very dark place right now. In a place I could call home so familiar it is to me... But familiar doesn't make it fun or safe. I'm trapped. I'm suffocating. I'm slowly dying dose by dose, drink by drink, fix by fix and a pill by pill. I'm building my own prison and the walls are falling over me. Tomorrow's New Year. Thinking about it makes me even more depressed. I've tried to end my life - several times. I've tried to survive. I've been to rehabs and peer meetings. I've worked the program. I've called recovering addicts and thought so much about this disease: this condition that is fatal unless I put an end to it. I don't want this!!! I don't want to be me!!! And I don't want to fail time after time. But yet, all I think about is getting my next dose. To feel a bit better... I'm a warrior. A warrior of life on its' on terms. I don't know how to live, but I can't die. Dying would make this finally stop. But it's too easy. There are no easy ways out of life. I'm depressed, lonely and utterly devastated. Prisons, institutions and death. That's what's waiting for me. Here me out, see me and accept me! I'm screaming out loud!! Don't let the Devil get me - or is it too late? Where's my soul? If you find it - please return it to me. I'm so much more than just my addiction. And addiction is all I am. Happy New Year's Eve, I must pray.